Learning On Thinking

Sometimes I don't have the time to write down my feelings and somehow that sometimes means they disappear in this weird place in my head that I only find on a long drive away from the city. Solo.

I found some this weekend, on a long drive, away from the city. Half solo. Half with my new-soul mate who happens to be a girl and happens to like to talk about things the way I do, without periods or exclamations. Either way I had an hour to figure myself out, who even gives themselves a time limit? I feel so surrounded by people lately that I need a time limit on my "figure your shit out" time. It was an hour.

I hit 30 minutes and the windows were rolled down and I was still listening to 90's Alternative on Pandora, because I knew if I turned on Todays Country I'd probably just end up in dream land like I normally do when I listen to too much country music. You know the place where unrequited love isn't real and your exes are waiting on you at the next stop and you don't spill your coffee on your lap.

I've learned that anger doesn't happen when the weather is so good that you can roll down your windows and drive on the interstate. I've learned that a new friend can be a savior from old ones. I've learned that I have best friends and they live all over the place and they are still my best friends. I've learned that sometimes being sad is a better option than constant disappointment. I've learned that I want a baby no matter how sticky their hands are. I've learned that a roommate asking you to hang out every night isn't annoying, it's amazing. I've learned that sometimes laying in bed and talking to a man that hurt you year ago can bring you comfort and an overwhelming desire to cuddle. I've learned that I might have to wear 14 layers to bed to feel the warmth I crave from another body, but sometimes I just want the whole bed. I've learned that first dates are still awful, but why not. I've learned that sometimes when you think it meant nothing to someone, it still meant everything.

I've been wearing my stupid glasses more lately and my headaches have gone down to less of a daily things to more of a weekly thing.

My weekends are full and I can't think. Sometimes not thinking is so good, but I'm happy with an hour.

Oktobre

 

How's life in Denver? It's busy, but I'm ready to get back to writing! It's working late most days and not knowing when to take a lunch. It's finding friendship in a roomie when you feel like you might not have anyone else. It's drinking too much and being happy a friend of a friend is enough of a friend to walk you home. It's missing home everyday and wondering how you're going to survive until Christmas without your family. It's missed Skype dates with your girlfriends because you're on a real ""date."" 

 

It's just everything. I can't say it's been easy, it's been tough, some days are really hard and all I want to do is go home to what I still think of as my real bed, back home. Most nights I wish I were putting on sandals and running to grab wings with my four best girlfriends back home. Things are so different and it's scarier now than it was a few months ago. But. Survival. Right!

 

I've had time to settle, to learn my way home without Google maps, to put up décor on my walls. I'm home and I still don't have enough hangers.

 

In other news I finally spoke to my ex boyfriend about what happened to us. It's different knowing I live far enough to end everything in my mind. It ended so long ago, but now the real settling feeling of not being there, right there, just in case. I'm tired of just in case, but it's so comforting. Things are a mile a minute in my head, I've over thought so much in the last year, and I'm so tired of thinking, wondering, wishing, waiting... is that Jack Johnson coming through my fingertips?

I'm happy though. I'm not whole, not by a billion, but I'm happy. I'm happy about the mountains, about the plane ticket to take me home for the holidays, about my roommate, and girlfriends, I'm happy that I finally asked questions, that I received answers, and I'm happy that my new bed feels nothing like my old bed. 

Home is Where... You Make It.

 

How amazing is a life you're too busy living to worry about blogging? Since moving to Denver I've climbed a few mountain's (physically and emotionally), watched the Saints win 3 times, won a dance contest, flown to be in a best friends wedding and see all the girls I've previously mentioned, I've made friends, a roomie, and even gotten comfortable biking on the streets. Things are intense and amazing, I've never been a risk taker nor the girl to enter a dance contest (seriously wtf)... but I think winning is the ultimate annoying word to describe this whole life situation lately.

 

Oh, another thing I've done: not worn blog worthy candy.

 

All's well.

It's True.

You come to realize your first love is the definition of what you consider happiness. It's the reason you spent those impressionable years of your life in a committed relationship, faithful, and happy. Another person doesn't exist and this is as lovely as love will ever get. Your heart is whole and you are open to giving yourself to another person fully, because you haven't before and after these years of wondering if you will find someone, you do. It's beautiful, magical, it's Disney.

It ends.

You're different than people that have never been in love. They won't understand because their heart is still whole; they are ready because they can give it all, you are ready because you've been so used to loving that you cannot wait to love again, because... it's going to feel that way again, right?

I slowly, but surely fell again. It was piece by piece and never too hard. I remember thinking I could love again, and I was lying to myself-- I could love the same love, but could I love another love? Someone who has loved before me, someone who has loved differently than me? I remember thinking I could love again, I was sure of it. Why did it hurt to pretend? He's so nice, so good to me. I remember thinking I could love again, he's the opposite of the love I know, he's different, everything my other love was not.

I remember the day I knew I could love again. It was too many hiccups and a few mistakes later. I broke a few hearts and mine was still trying to find the last missing piece-- but there's a light.

I hurt people in my journey and I never meant to, bringing someone on a ride that they were never aware they were getting on. But, then again, who turns down love? Even when the timing is off, or two people just can't find their common ground, who turns it down? We're wired to love love. It's awesome.

Welcome Wagon.

Arrived a little over a week ago. Things are calm and yet I'm winded. I haven't had time to think of this as anything other than a vacation, but I'm here to stay. It's gorgeous, I'm still in awe of the mountains when I'm driving to and from work / lunch. All in all: all's well, for once work aids in the normality of my new home. I've found comfort in my office, it's normal here, quiet, and I'm not constantly in site of a mountain range, sometimes I forget I'm in Colorado.

I miss my dog, my couple of friends left at home, mom, dad, and just the comfort "home" brought, but I'm so grateful for this -- ALL this. I'm thankful my 26th birthday gets to be spent in a new place... oh yeah, that's like, soon.... maybe I'll get my eyebrows done?

#hahtagsharkweek

Shirt: LOFT// Skirt: Francescas// Belt: F21// Wedges: Target

I don't match, I don't match, I don't... care.

I've never understood the obsession with Shark Week. Sharks are really awesome and i'm 100% scared of them, maybe that's enough to have a week dedicated to them, who knows. I really like salmon though, it's so delicious, oysters too... so good, really. I'd take a week dedicated to eating salmon and oysters over watching the same shark week programs every year? BUT THAT'S JUST ME. I'M WEIRD I GUESS. 

Yuh Shark freaks............................

In other real Ambre news, my last week of work in Alabama is coming to an end and even my daily drives are getting sentimental. The things I took for granted are filling my thoughts, I'm missing people I never thought i'd miss... I almost asked the worst boyfriend - now ex - that I've had to have coffee to say goodbye? I'm seriously questioning most my true sanity lately. In any case, I'm attempting normal from here on out. Here, here!

On Topic: Luggage.

Emotional luggage. Baggage. All the above. Everyone has it, so why do we not talk about it? I can't tell you if it's better to talk about it, or keep the elephant in the room. Everyone knows it's there, so why does my heart sink when I think about the baggage of someone I'm seeing, casual, serious, FWB, etc.?

I remember when I found out a guy I was "seeing" (use this loosely - ok, fine..we were just (!) having ~relations) was seeing a girl on the side. I got so angry and like good girlfriends should do, they fueled the fire. I mean the smallest thing sent me into rage mode. Why was she in town, why did he ignore me, why did he text me later and pretend it never happened? She was his baggage and he wasn't willing to let her go, and my baggage was the emotional turmoil I was feeling at that very moment -- the anger of knowing it wasn't going in a place I didn't even want it to go? And yes... humans are confusing. 

My emotional baggage made everything worse in the beginning, but once I learned that baggage doesn't have to harm me, I found use for it-- because let's face it, we'll always have baggage. People who don't have baggage are weirdos. Okay, that's harsh, whatever. 

So I started using my baggage to better myself, because if I didn't use it to better myself then what would I use it for? First it just pissed me off [after the initial sadness, o'course]. Good start, right? Rage. Shortly after I went through spells of anger, sad, unsure, wtf am I doing, I'm obviously spiraling down to my ultimate demise...?

I know now that having baggage isn't bad, it's comforting to know you loved someone enough to allow it to affect you; it helped me learn a lot of things I needed in a potential relationship. I was so young when I gained this "baggage" and I felt its hold, I also felt it's release. When you finally stop allowing baggage to slow you down you can be your full self. I don't know that this is 100% true, but for me it was. I took all this from a relationship(s) that happened between the ages of 17 and 23, those are pretty defining years, if you ask me. I always compare it to losing my right leg and re-learning to walk, and that's overly dramatic comparison. But really! I had a lot of stuff to deal with and the last thing I was worried about was "bettering" myself. 

In the end I went through the motions of baggage and it was healthy to go through those; I also found my way out and I feel stronger, more certain, and just happier. Sometimes you can't recognize a toxic (ouch) thing until you've taken the time to step away for a while and realize sometimes you grow up loving a person and sometimes that person develops into someone you might not love today, in real time... that's okay, that's life. Unfair, right? Sometimes the most unfair moments in life are the ones you need. Well, at least I know my unfair moment was needed and I no longer feel the need to dwell on those "defining years" they're now there to help me. I like that. A lot.