Learning On Thinking

Sometimes I don't have the time to write down my feelings and somehow that sometimes means they disappear in this weird place in my head that I only find on a long drive away from the city. Solo.

I found some this weekend, on a long drive, away from the city. Half solo. Half with my new-soul mate who happens to be a girl and happens to like to talk about things the way I do, without periods or exclamations. Either way I had an hour to figure myself out, who even gives themselves a time limit? I feel so surrounded by people lately that I need a time limit on my "figure your shit out" time. It was an hour.

I hit 30 minutes and the windows were rolled down and I was still listening to 90's Alternative on Pandora, because I knew if I turned on Todays Country I'd probably just end up in dream land like I normally do when I listen to too much country music. You know the place where unrequited love isn't real and your exes are waiting on you at the next stop and you don't spill your coffee on your lap.

I've learned that anger doesn't happen when the weather is so good that you can roll down your windows and drive on the interstate. I've learned that a new friend can be a savior from old ones. I've learned that I have best friends and they live all over the place and they are still my best friends. I've learned that sometimes being sad is a better option than constant disappointment. I've learned that I want a baby no matter how sticky their hands are. I've learned that a roommate asking you to hang out every night isn't annoying, it's amazing. I've learned that sometimes laying in bed and talking to a man that hurt you year ago can bring you comfort and an overwhelming desire to cuddle. I've learned that I might have to wear 14 layers to bed to feel the warmth I crave from another body, but sometimes I just want the whole bed. I've learned that first dates are still awful, but why not. I've learned that sometimes when you think it meant nothing to someone, it still meant everything.

I've been wearing my stupid glasses more lately and my headaches have gone down to less of a daily things to more of a weekly thing.

My weekends are full and I can't think. Sometimes not thinking is so good, but I'm happy with an hour.

Oktobre

 

How's life in Denver? It's busy, but I'm ready to get back to writing! It's working late most days and not knowing when to take a lunch. It's finding friendship in a roomie when you feel like you might not have anyone else. It's drinking too much and being happy a friend of a friend is enough of a friend to walk you home. It's missing home everyday and wondering how you're going to survive until Christmas without your family. It's missed Skype dates with your girlfriends because you're on a real ""date."" 

 

It's just everything. I can't say it's been easy, it's been tough, some days are really hard and all I want to do is go home to what I still think of as my real bed, back home. Most nights I wish I were putting on sandals and running to grab wings with my four best girlfriends back home. Things are so different and it's scarier now than it was a few months ago. But. Survival. Right!

 

I've had time to settle, to learn my way home without Google maps, to put up décor on my walls. I'm home and I still don't have enough hangers.

 

In other news I finally spoke to my ex boyfriend about what happened to us. It's different knowing I live far enough to end everything in my mind. It ended so long ago, but now the real settling feeling of not being there, right there, just in case. I'm tired of just in case, but it's so comforting. Things are a mile a minute in my head, I've over thought so much in the last year, and I'm so tired of thinking, wondering, wishing, waiting... is that Jack Johnson coming through my fingertips?

I'm happy though. I'm not whole, not by a billion, but I'm happy. I'm happy about the mountains, about the plane ticket to take me home for the holidays, about my roommate, and girlfriends, I'm happy that I finally asked questions, that I received answers, and I'm happy that my new bed feels nothing like my old bed. 

Home is Where... You Make It.

 

How amazing is a life you're too busy living to worry about blogging? Since moving to Denver I've climbed a few mountain's (physically and emotionally), watched the Saints win 3 times, won a dance contest, flown to be in a best friends wedding and see all the girls I've previously mentioned, I've made friends, a roomie, and even gotten comfortable biking on the streets. Things are intense and amazing, I've never been a risk taker nor the girl to enter a dance contest (seriously wtf)... but I think winning is the ultimate annoying word to describe this whole life situation lately.

 

Oh, another thing I've done: not worn blog worthy candy.

 

All's well.

It's True.

You come to realize your first love is the definition of what you consider happiness. It's the reason you spent those impressionable years of your life in a committed relationship, faithful, and happy. Another person doesn't exist and this is as lovely as love will ever get. Your heart is whole and you are open to giving yourself to another person fully, because you haven't before and after these years of wondering if you will find someone, you do. It's beautiful, magical, it's Disney.

It ends.

You're different than people that have never been in love. They won't understand because their heart is still whole; they are ready because they can give it all, you are ready because you've been so used to loving that you cannot wait to love again, because... it's going to feel that way again, right?

I slowly, but surely fell again. It was piece by piece and never too hard. I remember thinking I could love again, and I was lying to myself-- I could love the same love, but could I love another love? Someone who has loved before me, someone who has loved differently than me? I remember thinking I could love again, I was sure of it. Why did it hurt to pretend? He's so nice, so good to me. I remember thinking I could love again, he's the opposite of the love I know, he's different, everything my other love was not.

I remember the day I knew I could love again. It was too many hiccups and a few mistakes later. I broke a few hearts and mine was still trying to find the last missing piece-- but there's a light.

I hurt people in my journey and I never meant to, bringing someone on a ride that they were never aware they were getting on. But, then again, who turns down love? Even when the timing is off, or two people just can't find their common ground, who turns it down? We're wired to love love. It's awesome.

Welcome Wagon.

Arrived a little over a week ago. Things are calm and yet I'm winded. I haven't had time to think of this as anything other than a vacation, but I'm here to stay. It's gorgeous, I'm still in awe of the mountains when I'm driving to and from work / lunch. All in all: all's well, for once work aids in the normality of my new home. I've found comfort in my office, it's normal here, quiet, and I'm not constantly in site of a mountain range, sometimes I forget I'm in Colorado.

I miss my dog, my couple of friends left at home, mom, dad, and just the comfort "home" brought, but I'm so grateful for this -- ALL this. I'm thankful my 26th birthday gets to be spent in a new place... oh yeah, that's like, soon.... maybe I'll get my eyebrows done?

#hahtagsharkweek

Shirt: LOFT// Skirt: Francescas// Belt: F21// Wedges: Target

I don't match, I don't match, I don't... care.

I've never understood the obsession with Shark Week. Sharks are really awesome and i'm 100% scared of them, maybe that's enough to have a week dedicated to them, who knows. I really like salmon though, it's so delicious, oysters too... so good, really. I'd take a week dedicated to eating salmon and oysters over watching the same shark week programs every year? BUT THAT'S JUST ME. I'M WEIRD I GUESS. 

Yuh Shark freaks............................

In other real Ambre news, my last week of work in Alabama is coming to an end and even my daily drives are getting sentimental. The things I took for granted are filling my thoughts, I'm missing people I never thought i'd miss... I almost asked the worst boyfriend - now ex - that I've had to have coffee to say goodbye? I'm seriously questioning most my true sanity lately. In any case, I'm attempting normal from here on out. Here, here!

On Topic: Luggage.

Emotional luggage. Baggage. All the above. Everyone has it, so why do we not talk about it? I can't tell you if it's better to talk about it, or keep the elephant in the room. Everyone knows it's there, so why does my heart sink when I think about the baggage of someone I'm seeing, casual, serious, FWB, etc.?

I remember when I found out a guy I was "seeing" (use this loosely - ok, fine..we were just (!) having ~relations) was seeing a girl on the side. I got so angry and like good girlfriends should do, they fueled the fire. I mean the smallest thing sent me into rage mode. Why was she in town, why did he ignore me, why did he text me later and pretend it never happened? She was his baggage and he wasn't willing to let her go, and my baggage was the emotional turmoil I was feeling at that very moment -- the anger of knowing it wasn't going in a place I didn't even want it to go? And yes... humans are confusing. 

My emotional baggage made everything worse in the beginning, but once I learned that baggage doesn't have to harm me, I found use for it-- because let's face it, we'll always have baggage. People who don't have baggage are weirdos. Okay, that's harsh, whatever. 

So I started using my baggage to better myself, because if I didn't use it to better myself then what would I use it for? First it just pissed me off [after the initial sadness, o'course]. Good start, right? Rage. Shortly after I went through spells of anger, sad, unsure, wtf am I doing, I'm obviously spiraling down to my ultimate demise...?

I know now that having baggage isn't bad, it's comforting to know you loved someone enough to allow it to affect you; it helped me learn a lot of things I needed in a potential relationship. I was so young when I gained this "baggage" and I felt its hold, I also felt it's release. When you finally stop allowing baggage to slow you down you can be your full self. I don't know that this is 100% true, but for me it was. I took all this from a relationship(s) that happened between the ages of 17 and 23, those are pretty defining years, if you ask me. I always compare it to losing my right leg and re-learning to walk, and that's overly dramatic comparison. But really! I had a lot of stuff to deal with and the last thing I was worried about was "bettering" myself. 

In the end I went through the motions of baggage and it was healthy to go through those; I also found my way out and I feel stronger, more certain, and just happier. Sometimes you can't recognize a toxic (ouch) thing until you've taken the time to step away for a while and realize sometimes you grow up loving a person and sometimes that person develops into someone you might not love today, in real time... that's okay, that's life. Unfair, right? Sometimes the most unfair moments in life are the ones you need. Well, at least I know my unfair moment was needed and I no longer feel the need to dwell on those "defining years" they're now there to help me. I like that. A lot.

Slowly, But Surely.

Cardigan: Old Navy// Tank: A&F// Skirt: LOFT// Sandals: Target

10 days in Denver has confirmed that not only will moving there be beneficial to my career, but dammit, it's going to be a lot of fun!

Stomach Flips and Permanent Trips.

Dress: F21

Haven't done this in a while and I furrealtho need a haircut.

I can't eat, sleep (this is the oddest of all!), and I'm probably coming off as an asshole to many people because I can't get out of my own head long enough to comfort anyone saddened by my departure. I'm so excited about the move to Denver, but I'm just as nervous. I've never lived away from this city, the south, or my family. I'm also the biggest worrier I know. I worry about everything that hasn't happened. What if. What if. What if. Along with those what if comes my new job. It's a smaller college so the student load won't be as bad, but "what if" I really don't know as much about Higher Ed as I thought I did. What if I suck at being an actual advisor?! I have to get out of my head and know (and I do know) that is the best opportunity for me at this point in my life. This doesn't happen. People don't get a job in their field, doing what they like, right after college all the time, right? I need to embrace this fully... but it's okay to be really scared too, right?

My relationships. On top of the stress of knowing I'm skipping the south, I've had to make the decision to miss a lot of people. My friends and family... what a thing to miss. I will make friends, I have friends there.. so that's good!

My Nashville. I love my city, but I'm going to miss my city. The city that is good for just a cup of coffee, or a late night corndog, but it's also the place I'll always remember my friends. We spent so many weekends in Nashville, together, dancing, singing (ok that's just me), and discovering. I claim Nashville as my first city love, because... it was. I never loved a city like I love Nashville.

My home. My ...home has been shaken before, my parents got a divorce about a year and a half ago. Since that moment I realized my home doesn't feel like it did before, it's broken. I love my parents, but right now I need distance. I need space and my own place to really find out what my own life will be. I'm still scared of this particular change, i'm nervous about the moment I get homesick and all my friends are asleep. But deep, deep down in this really confused heart of mine... I know missing them will only help. It will only heal my relationship with them.

And then there's the sudden realization that as much as all of this matters, in the end I'm doing this for me. Which makes all the butterflies (pretty sure they are hummingbirds though), that are taking up all the space in my stomach, settle down, my lips curl up, and I realize this is exciting.

That Time I Didn't Blog for Weeks Then Announced...

I'm moving to Denver, CO. 

I've had the itch to move since I graduated college. This past Friday I received the THE call. I was offered a position with a Denver Uni and I hit the road (U Haul included) for the Mile High City August 12th. Though being ready to leave and so much excitement running through my veins, there's the obvious sadness of leaving this little hometown. I've been here 25 years and always felt so comfortable, safe, and content.

I'm excited to shake it up a lot and really get in adult mode (barf).

I get to start my goodbyes this weekend (I'll be flying out to Denver to do some training in the next couple weeks) because it's actually my second to last weekend here at home.

Hi.

Skirt: LOFT// Shirt: F21// Sandals: Target

I once read something, "Once we had met, it was as if he had always been there."

What a common occurrence, right? I always wondered what happiness was like after you lose someone you love. It seems impossible to live properly or to really feel what you felt again. Such a traumatic event, really.

I used to run away from men, well, the idea of a man being any more a part of my life than the previous; keep them just close enough to never have to claim them. Run away from the idea that love could eventually happen with another person. It took me a long time to tell myself it was okay to feel something, but then you do... no not love, not just then, but eventually. 

Then you meet people that make you so happy you didn't have to live life in what seemed like a good thing. I loved my first and only love, most definitely... but I know now that through all things we think we might never survive, we grow. 

 
The silver lining is no longer, it's pure silver now. It's happiness, pure happiness that doesn't involve feeling that pain you felt for so long after you were broken. It's friendships and first kisses. It's meeting everyone you never thought you'd meet, trips, and making bar tabs to chat through.

Sometimes the best things are left in the time they were meant to happen...and end. It's hard to grasp that sometimes things have to end, sometimes good things have an expiration date. But that's why your heart has so many compartments, to leave all the memories so they can't haunt you... only remain a memory that you can eventually love for what it is: a memory of someone worth making one with.

Oh, Oh, Oh, It's MAGIC!

Shirt: La Mour?// Pants: Anthropologie

I don't have much to say about the ruling yesterday, DOMA is dead and I couldn't be happier. I do have something to say about the people who think this is going to be a bad thing. I'm terrible at wording political rants...

I feel like I am fairly good at seeing both sides to an argument, but I can never, will never, and don't want to ever understand the argument that is obviously hate. I don't care if you don't "hate" certain groups, I don't care if you "have gay friends," or "know this woman who likes women"; I don't care what you say to back up your reasoning for not wanting a group of people to have the same rights as you do (sound like a bad thing? because it is), you're wrong and I'm embarrassed by your opinions and your ability to feel you should be able to place a certain religious view on the whole country. I'm so happy to see love win, I'm so excited to see the future for this country with matters such as this. This is a growing opportunity and I hope it opens a lot of doors, minds, and hearts.

Best-
Amber

My Thighs Are Gonna Sweat Today.

Shirt & Skirt: H&M// Wedges & Later in the Day Sandals: Target

Ode to the days you bust out the tightest pencil skirt you own. Because that's why you own it. Because it's Thursday. Because that's why you do squats. Because that's the only way to get it out of your closet, to just pull it out, you have 10 minutes before you have to leave and you're sure it's not too terribly uncomfortable.

You're obviously wrong, but at least yuh ass looks good and in the end that's all that really matters in life.

In Honor Of All the Weddings! / Having Nothing To Say.

Shirt: H&M// Pants: LOFT// Shoes: Kork-Ease

“Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute - even when the waters get deep, and dark.”

- N’tima

Wake Up!

Sheer top: H&M// Skirt: Anthropologie// Heels: Target

The Happinest.

Sweater: Hollister (srs old school)// Skirt: Gap// Flats: Target

Let's take one moment to dwell on how SHORT I AM IN THIS PHOTO SET! Luckily that skirt is petite so maybe I look taller irl, idek, probs not tho.

next.

I'm starting to wonder if I ever knew happiness before? Maybe.

I'm so overjoyed with life lately. Weddings. Lake trips. Friends. Hugs. Meeting new people. Airplanes. All of it makes me wonder if I knew what happiness really was during the times I thought I was the happiest. Maybe, just maybe, I knew comfort.

Let Go And...*

Whale Bow Shirt (!!!): Anthropologie// Skirt: Target// Orange Heels: Urban

When it comes to love I am a firm believer in letting things happen, but there are times where I can't take my own advice. I had a lengthy conversation recently about moments, moments you feel all the shit you love feeling and miss when you realize you're not having them.

After you've had your heartbroken these moments seem fewer and farther between, you almost feel like it's not worth it, that attachment merely equals a moment you realize it won't work out for all the reasons in the world. I'm not going to lie, when once I was a love-driven individual, I've kind started to feel like the old hag of love-driven things - like a sad country song. I keep notice the times I let go and love, they create moments, moments I remember, I look back on, moments I keep. Maybe that's the problem? A person keeping those moments after the heartache slaps them in the face.

I tend to hate that people get more concerned with being concerned in a relationship than looking forward to moments; people get caught up in so much of the world around them, the concerns of others leaking into their heads, they forget that their relationship should reflect them and personally, I want mine to be full of moments. Trust me- you'll always, always, always smile when you remember hide'n seek in a dark house lit by only candles, or being pushed on a secluded swing in the middle of a brisk winter night. I remember those and no matter what I always smile.

I have to remember those moments are worth it, worth waiting on, worth looking forward to, worth letting go... worth letting yourself open up to be hurt, if that comes along, because that's what love is, right? It's finding someone that could potentially break all your hearts, make moments, and maybe getting in a few arguments along the way (hey, I'm a realist).

So then we must end it with *...Love the shit out of whomever you want, through whatever you want, for as long as you want, whenever the hell you want.

The Morning Face.

Tee: F21// Maxi Skirt: LOFT// Belt: ?// Sandals: Target

Excuse my snarl, I have no idea what pissed me off this morning. Wait, it was the morning. AH HA! So, I've figured out why I'm bad at giving clothes away, because one day I do wear it. You know that 6mo-1year rule? Nope. Doesn't work. I haven't worn this tee shirt in probably 2 years and it was the perfect scoop for my skirt. How dare anyone say I have too many clothes. 

Coffee. 

Good Morning. 

I need a massage. 

When You're Surround By This.

Not everyone gets this lucky. 

My best friends. I'm all puffy-crying-faced (Lorna moved to NY today), but look at these ladies. Seriously... I'd be happy to have just ONE amazing friend, but I have four. I have four that I can cry to, four that I can tell my deepest, dumbest secrets, four that I can't ever replace. I've never loved four people this much. 

Knowing Lorna is gone is hard, but I'm so proud of her for moving off. Gonna miss her so much, it's hard to even put into words on here, or anywhere. 

A Long Weekend and 950 Round Trip Miles

Off to the Beach with Jess..

Birmingham for a few hours to see Tarah!

Last Nashville trip with Lorna

Met and became Insta-Friends with this one in Nash.

Got all sorority on Nashville.