Sunday, January 13, 2013


I remember being young and never fighting with my boyfriend(s). The relationship seemed great, we never got mad at each other and everything was great. Right? After each break up I'd wonder why? Why, because everything seemed fine. Everything was fine, right? I mean we didn't fight. Oh, well, there was that time I was really mad at him for not remembering my birthday, then there was that time I cried because he told me he didn't know if he wanted to get married? All these things I thought I had handled in my mind, I come to realize I wasn't handling them at all, that was the problem. Nothing was being handled, there was no fighting, no disagreements, no... passion.

Don't get me wrong, fighting can be terrible and it's even worse when you feel like a fight might be the end of it.  I've experienced it, the kind of fighting that will make you so angry you can't look at that person, you can't understand how you can both stand being in the same room, how after the fight you manage to suck it up and watch a movie together, you end up cuddling... out of pure habit.

My habit-filled relationship was a mask, I know what it feels like to cover feelings with more feelings and soon the cracks in your current relationship start filling with your old pain. The "I love you's" are not as sweet, the kisses are just kisses. I remember that feeling, the one where you know after this much time I should be more passionate about this person, get excited about meeting his family, want to travel with this person, and meet their friends... all I wanted to do was be around anyone else, leave the real stuff at the door, and not answer my phone. Then your habit kicks in, you know you should be doing this stuff and you start to look back on how it was before, because at some point this person gave you a feeling that made you want to be with them. As you look back you remember and that memory gives you those feelings and you hold onto that. The habit of being in that persons embrace when it was oh-so-good (because what's better, right?!), that embrace hasn't been like that in months... years... but, you are a creature of habit, it's the norm, that embrace once fulfilled you and who's to say it won't again? So you try, because you owe it to yourself to try.

I think, more often than not, the reason we try is because we know letting go is going to be hard and there's never a moment we want to except "hard." I did. I remember thinking... it's too hard to start over, it's too hard to just let something go that I've worked so hard at.

Then there's the moment you wake up and realize it's not going to be hard, it's going to give you the space you need to figure shit out, because your shit is obviously not figured out right now.

Then you do and you know the next one you will have a little more to go on, a little more knowledge, a little more foundation, a little more you to put into it. You'll have more heart to give, you'll know how passion feels, and how habit shouldn't be the reason you love someone.

Some people say they leave relationships with less than they went in with, they feel like they lose a part of themselves. I've always felt fortunate to not feel so broken that I couldn't love again; if anything I leave with a little more love to give and a stitch more passion.

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