Monday, April 29, 2013

If I Had a Dollar.

Dress: ASOS// Wedges: Seychelle

I love talking about subjects I know, subjects I've dealt with, like-minded individuals, people that listen.

People I don't like talking to: people that actively seek my advice, then get mad when I give them sincere, sweet-voiced, real life, no bull information.

I'm not taking the side of the other person or dumbing them down, i'm merely telling them what I know and why I know it, and i'm even making sure they know I am not trying to upset them. I just want them to feel better, not cry, and most of all know that it's all okay or will be okay. I can only share my experiences, my life choices, and my stories and when I share those (after you've sought my advice), you may continue to vent to me, but don't act as if I just told you to take a running leap off a 15 story building.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

The Best You Ever Had.

Why do we fall in love and then believe that's the best we'll ever know?

It took me two years of soul searching to know the man that broke my heart could've been the one, but so could someone else. You can say it all day, everyday, twice a day and you won't always believe it. I still have a hard time knowing this statement after almost 2.5 years. Maybe it's my lack of belief in "soul-mates," maybe it's the feeling I feel when I meet someone that sparks my interest, maybe it's the fact that I've had strong feelings for others in the past year.

I remember the first time I really felt something for someone after my break up. It was 11 months after and I was sitting in Chattanooga, TN on the floor in a guy friends guest bedroom, listening to Allison by Elvis Costello; perfect, right? I stayed the whole weekend and the next, we we're laying in bed, hands under the pillows behind our heads... he held my hand. The third weekend he finally kissed me. Eight weekends, just the same, later he told me he couldn't do long distance and we didn't speak for a year. Let me tell you, getting your heart broken after a massive break up will do insane things to your emotions. Why? I remember driving home the weekend we broke it off and chanting "Your heart has been broken far worse, Amber! This is nothing, this is no-th-ing." It's so true though, I had been through so much more, my heart had been broken far worse previously, this still hurt.

That's the first time I thought, "so someone else can make me feel this bullshit?" Worst/best realization.

Then committed to a man for nine months. The emotions I felt were insane, I was crying because I couldn't secretly love my ex anymore, I was smiling because this man loved me, I was worried because I couldn't really love him back.

Everything that has happened in the two years since I vowed to never open my heart to another man again has brought me to the point where I know I loved a man the way I should love a man, 100%, no bullshit, literally running through the park in a rain storm (yes, it was just as whimsy and awesome as it sounds typed out) love. So I've loved a man like that, my first thought was "that will never happen again," the thoughts of a girl that's fallen since then are "that will never happen again." It won't. I won't ever dance in the rain or fill an empty apartment with candles and play hide and seek in the dark with someone.... I don't want to! I want new memories, new love, new happiness. I don't want more, I want worthy and the love that doesn't end, because I can dwell on those good memories and make them a reason to be sad, or I can put those memories in the part of my heart that I keep all the good things.

It's hard, but sometimes we have to except that a person we thought would be forever, might just be a memory. It takes a long damn time to accept that, trust me. I remember telling my ex I can't imagine he was put in my life to be a stepping stone, I was so wrong, he wasn't a stepping stone... that would be terrible; he was so much more! He broke my heart, but he also made me realize what loving someone fully felt like, and I am so thankful for that, because now I know that I will never accept less.... but I do have to remember I can except different. My life didn't end when my relationship ended, my heart didn't go away when he did, everything changed and I had to live and learn to accept the change and have faith.

Ugh, enough of this love talk, amiright?!

Friday, April 26, 2013

How to Forgive Someone for Breaking Your Heart. No, like, Really Forgive Them.

When someone breaks your heart there's tendency to make a conscience effort to forget them, but when we forget someone, does that leave room to forgive them? Not to just forgive them, but really forgive them and set yourself free of that anger?

This isn't a ~1, 2, 3, forgive and set free~ hopscotch to serenity. I has never really forgiven until about a year ago; who knew? I can't say I made a conscience effort, but I can say it took a long time, and when the day came and that moment revealed itself to me, it was so obvious. I was in church and we were discussing something so far from forgiveness, but when the music started playing and I started praying it was like a "bag of rocks hitting me in the face" moment. Why was my heart so hard? I had been holding onto the "forget" them that I forgot that my heart will not heal until I forgive them, not just kind of, not just a little, not even like mostly, I had to really, truly, fully forgive them

This moment didn't hurt, it didn't make me want to contact them, it didn't make me barf or feel incredibly happy; it calmed me. In this moment I felt able to become whole again, my heart wasn't un-broken, my thoughts were focused though and I knew with time my heart would heal more fully than it would without the forgiveness I was yearning for. 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Excuse My Poor Leg

Shirt: Anthro// Skirt: F21// Shoes: Seychelle 

You guysssss... it's NFL draft day, which means football is in the air. I love the feeling of the South + Football. It's like no other. Every weekend is filled to the brim with football, food, and beer!

I'm ready to watch a little Saints football. Maybe even a little college football. It's the South; I've never been one to watch many college games, but I figure this year would be a good year to embrace my inner Southern Lady and maybe, JUST MAYBE, go see a couple college games. With Auburn's season as it stood last year I might wait until they're doing better to see a game involving them, unless it's a vs. LSU. The closest college team would be Vandy or Bama. I owe it to myself (and my coffee cup) to see a Row Tide , but I definitely want to tailgate a Vandy game this season as well. I don't know you guys, but... football. I'm so pumped!

oh and.. Geaux Saints!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

(no subject): Writing It Down

Sometimes I feel like I should write everything down, the memories, the people, the trips! I should vow to always remember them sincerely and in their moment, their specific moment.

It's crazy the times you sit and just remember and are in awe of the kindness that was/is shown to you by people. I feel so blessed (and I hate when people use that word). I have come across people that I will know forever and some I will never speak to again, I've gone on trips, I've hopped on planes, driven to Chicago on a whim. These are things I'll always remember and these are people I'll always find in my heart. What's funny is it doesn't end and the friendships never stop, the trips don't end, the excitement continues. That's the good in it, yanno?

Today I'm just so happy. 

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

I think I'm In Love.

Dress: H&M// Cardigan: Banana Republic

Totally bought this dress in LA two years ago, while visiting friends; It was my first time flying and I flew.. alone. It was such a moment for me, not only did I have to be a badass and figure out flying (alone), but I had to navigate Houston's Airport without even knowing how to read those boards with the gate information on them (THEY CHANGE? NO ONE TOLD ME THEY CHANGE). I was finally visiting a place that wasn't "driving" distance and I was flying. Instantly fell in love. I love flying so much. I will throw down money on a plane ticket so quick, you'd think I was actually making enough money to do so! Since that day, between a 25 minute layover, getting lost in the terminal, and not understanding why they were taking my luggage to stow in the undercarriage because it was a carry-on, I want to fly everywhere... and I do. I recently got back from Denver and I will say it was one of the best landings ever... I got to land in a sea of mountains covered in snow at 9am, in my PROFESSIONAL opinion the best time to look at mountains covered in snow.
So... here's my Denver trip (with zero plane photos)...

Hiking in Boulder:

Sunday Brunches (there was Beermosa's):

Skiing at Breck:

Boozin' with friends at Breck:

Blizzard in Downtown Denver:

Red Rocks were pretty BA:

Oh, Denver.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Jersey Sheets and Expectations.

I found myself laying in bed with one of my friends, and I realized how little expectations I had for him. I didn't expect him to take me to a fancy dinner or to tell me how pretty I looked, and when he grazed my hand with his, it was like my hands were hypersensitive and alert. All the sudden I was wondering what to do with my hands, my ear hurt as I lay on his chest, and my legs were sweating, tangled around his, under his stupid-boy-jersey sheets; I was kind of freaking out. I haven't had a moment like this in a while. What was I doing? I mean nothing I can't do, I am well aware of myself and the things I do, the situations I put myself in, but I started to wonder if this is how the shit starts.. is this how I add expectations into the mix? This is how a fling started once... just ~casual, then it was intimate, then there were rules, then those rules were bent and we found ourselves on a date... a date I didn't want to be on and he was banking on, but I was because that's how it's done right? Expectations. I expected the date to happen, he expected it to go well.

I remember laying in bed with one of my exes and expecting his touch, his intimacy, each time it didn't happen it stung and it put me a little farther away, I felt unwanted, and straight up sad. Now, don't get me wrong, the expectations for my boyfriend of four years to want to touch me, have sex with me, kiss on me are expectations I'm allowed to have, but it was those exact expectations that led to my break down; laying in a bed, tears in my eyes, telling him that for the past year I haven't felt loved, wanted, or desired. Eventually [years later] we broke up, and the expectations I had for our wedding were soon faded memories in my soaked eyes that haunted me. Expectations of a wedding with the best dance floor, a life in Tennessee, and navy curtains covering wood blinds was all I had left.

So, as I lay in bed with my friend I realized how in the past I set expectations high, as I should... but all the sudden not having them made sense. I wasn't going to walk out disappointed with the night, I wasn't going to expect him to hold my hand, and I wasn't going to expect another woman to not walk into his life. I don't expect them, not because I don't want them, but I am tired of feeling that disappointment of not getting what I feel I should. And I deserve that, I know that and in no way believe I do not, but to expect it out of a stranger entering my ~love life~ is not exactly how I feel going about it.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I'm not even saying it's correct. I expect things, I won't stop expecting a man to do certain things, but I think learning to trust someone before expecting something of them is mandatory. Maybe trusting someone less until there's reason to trust them is key. I don't think this means I'm lowering a standard, if anything I'm raising my standards in a way, maybe just being more cautious, but when there's no expectation I think I feel better, less pressure, maybe? I don't feel the pressure to make sure my hair is perfectly tucked behind my ear, I'm not obsessing over my zit, or wearing uncomfortable shoes, because in the end I don't expect anything, other than a good night, a normal night. And in the end having a good night, date, chat is all that is expected. Hallelujah.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Thursday, April 4, 2013


Dress: Francesca's // Cardi: Target // Slingback flats: Marc Jacobs

Oh Milly looking pleased after being groomed, which she was not.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


Button up: Old Navy// Cardi: F21// Pants: Gap// Flats: Nine West

All my life I've lived in the same town. I grew up here and I grew up with my friends. About six years ago I started dating a guy that lived two hours from my hometown; this meant weekend trips and most my weekday nights (outside of work) were spent doing classwork. I lost a lot of friends. Two years ago, to my surprise that relationship ended... I had to make friends, yuck. I did make friends, with the help of a friend that wasn't always a friend: Lorna. We used to kind of hate each other. Lorna introduced me to pretty much everyone I love, including Kacy.

Kacy is leaving at the end of April to move to her fiance's hometown so he can finish school. We're all so happy she's found her fiance, Tyler, but that doesn't mean we all don't slightly hate him for stealing her. There's so much I could say about Kacy (and all the girls)... I love you, I love them, I can't imagine life without them. They are my best friends, the kind you find and wonder how people live without a group of people so great. You really question how great life with be without them, you plan lives together, your babies will be friends, your husbands will one day drink beers together, you'll always be there. Then you shake out of it and realize that might not happen, but it doesn't mean anything, just that people grow up and [physically] apart. I hope to always have Kacy (and the girls) in my life, I will push towards that, because I've never had friendships that meant so much.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Poseys Peeps.

Crop: AE// Sweater: Hollister// Pants: H&M// Boots: Frye
Saturday night Lorna and I went to a Peep Show!
There were hats.