Sometimes I don't have the time to write down my feelings and somehow that sometimes means they disappear in this weird place in my head that I only find on a long drive away from the city. Solo.
I found some this weekend, on a long drive, away from the city. Half solo. Half with my new-soul mate who happens to be a girl and happens to like to talk about things the way I do, without periods or exclamations. Either way I had an hour to figure myself out, who even gives themselves a time limit? I feel so surrounded by people lately that I need a time limit on my "figure your shit out" time. It was an hour.
I hit 30 minutes and the windows were rolled down and I was still listening to 90's Alternative on Pandora, because I knew if I turned on Todays Country I'd probably just end up in dream land like I normally do when I listen to too much country music. You know the place where unrequited love isn't real and your exes are waiting on you at the next stop and you don't spill your coffee on your lap.
I've learned that anger doesn't happen when the weather is so good that you can roll down your windows and drive on the interstate. I've learned that a new friend can be a savior from old ones. I've learned that I have best friends and they live all over the place and they are still my best friends. I've learned that sometimes being sad is a better option than constant disappointment. I've learned that I want a baby no matter how sticky their hands are. I've learned that a roommate asking you to hang out every night isn't annoying, it's amazing. I've learned that sometimes laying in bed and talking to a man that hurt you year ago can bring you comfort and an overwhelming desire to cuddle. I've learned that I might have to wear 14 layers to bed to feel the warmth I crave from another body, but sometimes I just want the whole bed. I've learned that first dates are still awful, but why not. I've learned that sometimes when you think it meant nothing to someone, it still meant everything.
I've been wearing my stupid glasses more lately and my headaches have gone down to less of a daily things to more of a weekly thing.
My weekends are full and I can't think. Sometimes not thinking is so good, but I'm happy with an hour.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
How's life in Denver? It's busy, but I'm ready to get back to writing! It's working late most days and not knowing when to take a lunch. It's finding friendship in a roomie when you feel like you might not have anyone else. It's drinking too much and being happy a friend of a friend is enough of a friend to walk you home. It's missing home everyday and wondering how you're going to survive until Christmas without your family. It's missed Skype dates with your girlfriends because you're on a real ""date.""
It's just everything. I can't say it's been easy, it's been tough, some days are really hard and all I want to do is go home to what I still think of as my real bed, back home. Most nights I wish I were putting on sandals and running to grab wings with my four best girlfriends back home. Things are so different and it's scarier now than it was a few months ago. But. Survival. Right!
I've had time to settle, to learn my way home without Google maps, to put up décor on my walls. I'm home and I still don't have enough hangers.
In other news I finally spoke to my ex boyfriend about what happened to us. It's different knowing I live far enough to end everything in my mind. It ended so long ago, but now the real settling feeling of not being there, right there, just in case. I'm tired of just in case, but it's so comforting. Things are a mile a minute in my head, I've over thought so much in the last year, and I'm so tired of thinking, wondering, wishing, waiting... is that Jack Johnson coming through my fingertips?
I'm happy though. I'm not whole, not by a billion, but I'm happy. I'm happy about the mountains, about the plane ticket to take me home for the holidays, about my roommate, and girlfriends, I'm happy that I finally asked questions, that I received answers, and I'm happy that my new bed feels nothing like my old bed.