Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Stomach Flips and Permanent Trips.

Dress: F21

Haven't done this in a while and I furrealtho need a haircut.

I can't eat, sleep (this is the oddest of all!), and I'm probably coming off as an asshole to many people because I can't get out of my own head long enough to comfort anyone saddened by my departure. I'm so excited about the move to Denver, but I'm just as nervous. I've never lived away from this city, the south, or my family. I'm also the biggest worrier I know. I worry about everything that hasn't happened. What if. What if. What if. Along with those what if comes my new job. It's a smaller college so the student load won't be as bad, but "what if" I really don't know as much about Higher Ed as I thought I did. What if I suck at being an actual advisor?! I have to get out of my head and know (and I do know) that is the best opportunity for me at this point in my life. This doesn't happen. People don't get a job in their field, doing what they like, right after college all the time, right? I need to embrace this fully... but it's okay to be really scared too, right?

My relationships. On top of the stress of knowing I'm skipping the south, I've had to make the decision to miss a lot of people. My friends and family... what a thing to miss. I will make friends, I have friends there.. so that's good!

My Nashville. I love my city, but I'm going to miss my city. The city that is good for just a cup of coffee, or a late night corndog, but it's also the place I'll always remember my friends. We spent so many weekends in Nashville, together, dancing, singing (ok that's just me), and discovering. I claim Nashville as my first city love, because... it was. I never loved a city like I love Nashville.

My home. My ...home has been shaken before, my parents got a divorce about a year and a half ago. Since that moment I realized my home doesn't feel like it did before, it's broken. I love my parents, but right now I need distance. I need space and my own place to really find out what my own life will be. I'm still scared of this particular change, i'm nervous about the moment I get homesick and all my friends are asleep. But deep, deep down in this really confused heart of mine... I know missing them will only help. It will only heal my relationship with them.

And then there's the sudden realization that as much as all of this matters, in the end I'm doing this for me. Which makes all the butterflies (pretty sure they are hummingbirds though), that are taking up all the space in my stomach, settle down, my lips curl up, and I realize this is exciting.

Monday, July 15, 2013

That Time I Didn't Blog for Weeks Then Announced...

I'm moving to Denver, CO. 

I've had the itch to move since I graduated college. This past Friday I received the THE call. I was offered a position with a Denver Uni and I hit the road (U Haul included) for the Mile High City August 12th. Though being ready to leave and so much excitement running through my veins, there's the obvious sadness of leaving this little hometown. I've been here 25 years and always felt so comfortable, safe, and content.

I'm excited to shake it up a lot and really get in adult mode (barf).

I get to start my goodbyes this weekend (I'll be flying out to Denver to do some training in the next couple weeks) because it's actually my second to last weekend here at home.

Thursday, July 11, 2013


Skirt: LOFT// Shirt: F21// Sandals: Target

I once read something, "Once we had met, it was as if he had always been there."

What a common occurrence, right? I always wondered what happiness was like after you lose someone you love. It seems impossible to live properly or to really feel what you felt again. Such a traumatic event, really.
I used to run away from men, well, the idea of a man being any more a part of my life than the previous; keep them just close enough to never have to claim them. Run away from the idea that love could eventually happen with another person. It took me a long time to tell myself it was okay to feel something, but then you do... no not love, not just then, but eventually. 

Then you meet people that make you so happy you didn't have to live life in what seemed like a good thing. I loved my first and only love, most definitely... but I know now that through all things we think we might never survive, we grow. 
The silver lining is no longer, it's pure silver now. It's happiness, pure happiness that doesn't involve feeling that pain you felt for so long after you were broken. It's friendships and first kisses. It's meeting everyone you never thought you'd meet, trips, and making bar tabs to chat through.

Sometimes the best things are left in the time they were meant to happen...and end. It's hard to grasp that sometimes things have to end, sometimes good things have an expiration date. But that's why your heart has so many compartments, to leave all the memories so they can't haunt you... only remain a memory that you can eventually love for what it is: a memory of someone worth making one with.