Oktobre

 

How's life in Denver? It's busy, but I'm ready to get back to writing! It's working late most days and not knowing when to take a lunch. It's finding friendship in a roomie when you feel like you might not have anyone else. It's drinking too much and being happy a friend of a friend is enough of a friend to walk you home. It's missing home everyday and wondering how you're going to survive until Christmas without your family. It's missed Skype dates with your girlfriends because you're on a real ""date."" 

 

It's just everything. I can't say it's been easy, it's been tough, some days are really hard and all I want to do is go home to what I still think of as my real bed, back home. Most nights I wish I were putting on sandals and running to grab wings with my four best girlfriends back home. Things are so different and it's scarier now than it was a few months ago. But. Survival. Right!

 

I've had time to settle, to learn my way home without Google maps, to put up décor on my walls. I'm home and I still don't have enough hangers.

 

In other news I finally spoke to my ex boyfriend about what happened to us. It's different knowing I live far enough to end everything in my mind. It ended so long ago, but now the real settling feeling of not being there, right there, just in case. I'm tired of just in case, but it's so comforting. Things are a mile a minute in my head, I've over thought so much in the last year, and I'm so tired of thinking, wondering, wishing, waiting... is that Jack Johnson coming through my fingertips?

I'm happy though. I'm not whole, not by a billion, but I'm happy. I'm happy about the mountains, about the plane ticket to take me home for the holidays, about my roommate, and girlfriends, I'm happy that I finally asked questions, that I received answers, and I'm happy that my new bed feels nothing like my old bed. 

Home is Where... You Make It.

 

How amazing is a life you're too busy living to worry about blogging? Since moving to Denver I've climbed a few mountain's (physically and emotionally), watched the Saints win 3 times, won a dance contest, flown to be in a best friends wedding and see all the girls I've previously mentioned, I've made friends, a roomie, and even gotten comfortable biking on the streets. Things are intense and amazing, I've never been a risk taker nor the girl to enter a dance contest (seriously wtf)... but I think winning is the ultimate annoying word to describe this whole life situation lately.

 

Oh, another thing I've done: not worn blog worthy candy.

 

All's well.

Welcome Wagon.

Arrived a little over a week ago. Things are calm and yet I'm winded. I haven't had time to think of this as anything other than a vacation, but I'm here to stay. It's gorgeous, I'm still in awe of the mountains when I'm driving to and from work / lunch. All in all: all's well, for once work aids in the normality of my new home. I've found comfort in my office, it's normal here, quiet, and I'm not constantly in site of a mountain range, sometimes I forget I'm in Colorado.

I miss my dog, my couple of friends left at home, mom, dad, and just the comfort "home" brought, but I'm so grateful for this -- ALL this. I'm thankful my 26th birthday gets to be spent in a new place... oh yeah, that's like, soon.... maybe I'll get my eyebrows done?

On Topic: Luggage.

Emotional luggage. Baggage. All the above. Everyone has it, so why do we not talk about it? I can't tell you if it's better to talk about it, or keep the elephant in the room. Everyone knows it's there, so why does my heart sink when I think about the baggage of someone I'm seeing, casual, serious, FWB, etc.?

I remember when I found out a guy I was "seeing" (use this loosely - ok, fine..we were just (!) having ~relations) was seeing a girl on the side. I got so angry and like good girlfriends should do, they fueled the fire. I mean the smallest thing sent me into rage mode. Why was she in town, why did he ignore me, why did he text me later and pretend it never happened? She was his baggage and he wasn't willing to let her go, and my baggage was the emotional turmoil I was feeling at that very moment -- the anger of knowing it wasn't going in a place I didn't even want it to go? And yes... humans are confusing. 

My emotional baggage made everything worse in the beginning, but once I learned that baggage doesn't have to harm me, I found use for it-- because let's face it, we'll always have baggage. People who don't have baggage are weirdos. Okay, that's harsh, whatever. 

So I started using my baggage to better myself, because if I didn't use it to better myself then what would I use it for? First it just pissed me off [after the initial sadness, o'course]. Good start, right? Rage. Shortly after I went through spells of anger, sad, unsure, wtf am I doing, I'm obviously spiraling down to my ultimate demise...?

I know now that having baggage isn't bad, it's comforting to know you loved someone enough to allow it to affect you; it helped me learn a lot of things I needed in a potential relationship. I was so young when I gained this "baggage" and I felt its hold, I also felt it's release. When you finally stop allowing baggage to slow you down you can be your full self. I don't know that this is 100% true, but for me it was. I took all this from a relationship(s) that happened between the ages of 17 and 23, those are pretty defining years, if you ask me. I always compare it to losing my right leg and re-learning to walk, and that's overly dramatic comparison. But really! I had a lot of stuff to deal with and the last thing I was worried about was "bettering" myself. 

In the end I went through the motions of baggage and it was healthy to go through those; I also found my way out and I feel stronger, more certain, and just happier. Sometimes you can't recognize a toxic (ouch) thing until you've taken the time to step away for a while and realize sometimes you grow up loving a person and sometimes that person develops into someone you might not love today, in real time... that's okay, that's life. Unfair, right? Sometimes the most unfair moments in life are the ones you need. Well, at least I know my unfair moment was needed and I no longer feel the need to dwell on those "defining years" they're now there to help me. I like that. A lot.

Stomach Flips and Permanent Trips.

Dress: F21

Haven't done this in a while and I furrealtho need a haircut.

I can't eat, sleep (this is the oddest of all!), and I'm probably coming off as an asshole to many people because I can't get out of my own head long enough to comfort anyone saddened by my departure. I'm so excited about the move to Denver, but I'm just as nervous. I've never lived away from this city, the south, or my family. I'm also the biggest worrier I know. I worry about everything that hasn't happened. What if. What if. What if. Along with those what if comes my new job. It's a smaller college so the student load won't be as bad, but "what if" I really don't know as much about Higher Ed as I thought I did. What if I suck at being an actual advisor?! I have to get out of my head and know (and I do know) that is the best opportunity for me at this point in my life. This doesn't happen. People don't get a job in their field, doing what they like, right after college all the time, right? I need to embrace this fully... but it's okay to be really scared too, right?

My relationships. On top of the stress of knowing I'm skipping the south, I've had to make the decision to miss a lot of people. My friends and family... what a thing to miss. I will make friends, I have friends there.. so that's good!

My Nashville. I love my city, but I'm going to miss my city. The city that is good for just a cup of coffee, or a late night corndog, but it's also the place I'll always remember my friends. We spent so many weekends in Nashville, together, dancing, singing (ok that's just me), and discovering. I claim Nashville as my first city love, because... it was. I never loved a city like I love Nashville.

My home. My ...home has been shaken before, my parents got a divorce about a year and a half ago. Since that moment I realized my home doesn't feel like it did before, it's broken. I love my parents, but right now I need distance. I need space and my own place to really find out what my own life will be. I'm still scared of this particular change, i'm nervous about the moment I get homesick and all my friends are asleep. But deep, deep down in this really confused heart of mine... I know missing them will only help. It will only heal my relationship with them.

And then there's the sudden realization that as much as all of this matters, in the end I'm doing this for me. Which makes all the butterflies (pretty sure they are hummingbirds though), that are taking up all the space in my stomach, settle down, my lips curl up, and I realize this is exciting.

That Time I Didn't Blog for Weeks Then Announced...

I'm moving to Denver, CO. 

I've had the itch to move since I graduated college. This past Friday I received the THE call. I was offered a position with a Denver Uni and I hit the road (U Haul included) for the Mile High City August 12th. Though being ready to leave and so much excitement running through my veins, there's the obvious sadness of leaving this little hometown. I've been here 25 years and always felt so comfortable, safe, and content.

I'm excited to shake it up a lot and really get in adult mode (barf).

I get to start my goodbyes this weekend (I'll be flying out to Denver to do some training in the next couple weeks) because it's actually my second to last weekend here at home.

The Happinest.

Sweater: Hollister (srs old school)// Skirt: Gap// Flats: Target

Let's take one moment to dwell on how SHORT I AM IN THIS PHOTO SET! Luckily that skirt is petite so maybe I look taller irl, idek, probs not tho.

next.

I'm starting to wonder if I ever knew happiness before? Maybe.

I'm so overjoyed with life lately. Weddings. Lake trips. Friends. Hugs. Meeting new people. Airplanes. All of it makes me wonder if I knew what happiness really was during the times I thought I was the happiest. Maybe, just maybe, I knew comfort.

When You're Surround By This.

Not everyone gets this lucky. 

My best friends. I'm all puffy-crying-faced (Lorna moved to NY today), but look at these ladies. Seriously... I'd be happy to have just ONE amazing friend, but I have four. I have four that I can cry to, four that I can tell my deepest, dumbest secrets, four that I can't ever replace. I've never loved four people this much. 

Knowing Lorna is gone is hard, but I'm so proud of her for moving off. Gonna miss her so much, it's hard to even put into words on here, or anywhere. 

A Long Weekend and 950 Round Trip Miles

Off to the Beach with Jess..

Birmingham for a few hours to see Tarah!

Last Nashville trip with Lorna

Met and became Insta-Friends with this one in Nash.

Got all sorority on Nashville.

Best Friends Don't Get Much More Best Than...

Lorna leaves for New York in five days. It's been unreal until this week and last night. Last night we sat down and started packing all her clothes (which turned into laughing, skyping her boyfriend, and taking cat pictures) and it hit me. Lorna is that person and she will continue to be. I can tell her anything and she knows she can do the same. I can't write much more, every time I think about it I end up crying, but I will say I'm going to miss her like crazy and I'm so excited to spend this Christmas with her (yes, we're already planning). Ok. Gotta stop, tears. Stop. I love you!

The Things You've Missed

Since everything has gone sour you've missed a lot of firsts, like the first time I put my toes in the Pacific Ocean. I never got to tell you how fun Los Angeles was or how it felt to fly for the first time. I didn't tell you about the butterflies I got when I had my first kiss after you, how different it felt, how I cried days after. I never explained how I saw you a year later in church sitting directly across from me, maybe I didn't have to explain, considering we locked eyes.

Then there was that time I had a boyfriend that reminded me of you. Oops.

I eventually stopped worrying about what I hadn't shared with you, like my first trip to NYC and when I skied for the first time ever. You shouldn't know how I felt after my first rollercoaster.

Years, boyfriends, and firsts have passed; time and friends were the main things that got me through. I now realize firsts got me through too; that first kiss, plane ride, even those ice capped mountains I skied down are all time.

And time is good.

Why, Outfits

Cardigan: Target// Shirt: Gap// Skirt: F21// Shoes: Kork-ease (similar) 

The Thank You that Changed It All.

When your future is determined by a piece of paper or plastic it really gets [your heart racing and] you thinking. It's almost like you lose all train of thought and all the things that you felt and believed are for a moment gone. You're no longer liberal or conservative, pro or anti, you're stuck on a fence that might be your future.

As I write this post I wonder if it's appropriate to talk about, but all these thoughts are coming from the girl that once posted about her vagina. 

I can't talk about this stuff to many people and an internet full of blank faces could care less about my vagina, my clothes, or my random dates, but that's the beauty of having a place to write the ridiculous things you do, say, or feel.

Two months ago I donated my eggs to a couple that couldn't conceive children, I even made a VLog that was never posted because I was unsure how the world viewed someone that had given their eggs (their DNA) monetary value. The idea that I might have just helped a deserving couple have a child echoed in my head. I had taken hormones, given myself shots for weeks, and gone through surgery (undetected by many people in my life, family included) and for what? Money? After the surgery I had the check in my hand, but it still didn't feel as "worth it" as I thought it would feel. I was 7 lbs of water weight heavier and on pain medication that was making me a bit of a mess. I started to wonder when I'd feel more okay with what had just happened; to the outside world I was breaking the bank and all I had to do what flush out my system over the next two weeks, but inside it was a constant struggle to really feel what had happened and I did when I read the thank you card, a card the recipient did not have to send. I remember when it came in I knew exactly what it was (the clinic gave me a heads up it was on its way), it had been delivered to the wrong address, and I like to believe out of pure luck(miracle) and some need deep down in my heart, it got to my hands. I cried when I read that card; it was written in the waiting room of the fertility clinic I had sat in just weeks before, alone, and nervous that I was about to go through surgery. She had written it the day she was going to have my eggs transferred to her (I wish there was more eloquent language for this). She was in that same waiting room, maybe one of the same chairs I had sat in those 6 weeks I was going in for blood draws and ultrasounds, she was just as nervous as I was that day, if not more. 

I don't know if my recipient conceived... though my heart would burst with joy knowing she was having a child through what started as a way to pay off my car, my joy could be easily taken from me knowing the transfer ended in tears, the tears that can only come from a woman knowing she didn't conceive. 

Since that day I received the thank you letter my choice for my future with donating my eggs couldn't be easier. I wish I could thank that couple for their small contribution to my sanity, not the money, not the enlarged boobs that the hormones provided, but for that card... that card made every shot, every pill, and every early morning drive to the fertility clinic worth it. 

The Doors That Make You Cry.

You know when you have a rough day and, honest to God, all you wish you had was someone to comfort you when you get home, a person to sit on your cold feet and kiss your kneecaps while you cry in your palms?

It's been a rough week. A week where you just miss. You miss your mom and dad being together, you miss the airplane seat you've found comfort in, the ex boyfriend who calmed you with a "hello," the sand.

I knew better than to dig too deep in my emails to find an old password for an old account, but I did it; curiosity is usually the reason for re-broken hearts, in my case. Digging through I found this:

"I love you and will never take for granted when you echo that sentiment back to me (even though I get a lot of "I know"'s). When I think about you, it is seldom accompanied with a smile. I love you, Amber, more than I think you know... don't ever forget it."

I am past that, I am past it, I won't cry. I haven't cried in many months, I haven't cried over this certain person in ~a year... but it happened just like this, only I sitting in front the guy I was dating and all his friends. Can I tell you how it feels to just start crying for no reason in front of a bunch of men, and one that you're suppose to be "dating"? Awful. You feel like an asshole and you know everyone will ask if you're okay when you stroll back downstairs with red eyes and a fake smile, and yes, you will most likely cry again.

The text above was sent two weeks before our relationship ended. I remember as my phone was dying, it was turning on and off, I couldn't control it... I forwarded that text to my email; I didn't want to forget it, because as a girl whose four year relationship had just ended, I knew we'd get back together, this was a hiccup and he was getting cold feet, right? ...right?

"The kids decided they want Amber to be apart of the family. They love her, we all love her so much. You did good."

This was the text his sister sent to him on our way home from Christmas, just three weeks before it all ended. They haunt me. They wreck me. It's so hard remembering a love that was only the best, it's so hard remembering a family that wasn't your own, but made you just that. I haven't talked to that family in months, that man in years, but when I piece all the puzzle back together, that i've wrecked in my head, I remember and mourn.

To say I'm past it is not a lie, but to say I've forgotten is. I haven't forgotten how in love I was, and the above is proof that I wasn't thinking it all up. Those four years were so, very good and there's not a single kiss or fight I would take back. I wish I could erase it, physically and emotionally, but I don't know how to make the whole puzzle go away, because leaving it all scattered in my body has been so easy lately.

I will say, I'm so happy. I know? Right? The crying and emotional turmoil I just went through seemed to make you think otherwise. I'm so incredibly... blessed by the people in my life. They are the biggest light ever and I can't think of a reason to not smile around them. I have to remember that in the times my face is soaking the pillow and my hands are cold under it.

I have to remember the undone things won't make anything different, they won't make me a better person and they won't mend a heart. I have to remind myself I'm doing great and I'm living the life I knew I should and doing it damn well, but in that door, the one you don't open, the one that you pass by because there's nothing in there worth opening it for... that door is the one that can crush me with only a peek. I wish I could make that door go away, or I wish it would just stay put and never bug me or tempt me ever again, but it will and I have to figure out the best way to handle it, so... maybe crying is okay for now.

The List I Like To Be Long.

Things I am: 

Patient (for only so long)

The driver in my group of friends

The crier behind closed doors

The shortest

The one that can't make a decision on anything

The lover of girls with lots of tattoos, the girl with only one

The one that is still in search of the perfect tee

Too nice

Creeped out by men, easily

The kisser (cheeks, foreheads, lips)

A butt grabber
The one who likes to walk everywhere

Lover of all things furry

A self proclaimed non-local Nashvillian

Not good at phone interviews

Good at painting my nails (even the right) 

Blessed to be surrounded by people that truly love me

Still a bit broken hearted deep down

The one that over shares and trusts too easily

Proud of myself

Good at not breaking my phone

Open

Bad at saying no to favors

The one that will buy you a coffee

a sale shopper

The one that buys thin shirts

The coffee addict

The lover of a good Christian song

The one that likes hotel beds

Believer of equality, supporter of Gay Marriage

The believer that our faith doesn't make us a good person

The one that picks boots over heels anyday

The maker of friends in any situation

Truly happy
A best friend to more than one
Understanding
Easily annoyed before my coffee

Things I am not: 

Patient (after a week)

Able to stay out past 1am (and be excited about it)

Good at keeping a blog theme

Ace at refusing sweets
The best at wearing my glasses

Whether my "Things I Am" list is full of the good (furry lover) or bad (broken hearts are never that great), I always want it to be bigger, fuller, and broad(er). I want to be all the things, feel it all, laugh, cry, dance, sale shop forever. I want to notice it all, take it all in. I like that.

It's Bullshit... and Love.

Weekend in Nashville! I fell so hard Denver I had almost forgotten that/why I loved Nashville so much. It's so hard being in love with two cities, but Nashville has such a deep place in my heart, maybe it's because I have this group of girls who all vow we will be living there (together) in five years. Anyways, what a great weekend, despite the rain. We celebrated Kacy's Graduation and Cinco De Mayo all weekend... so it was 100% drinks, food, and getting a chance to hang out with my girlfriends (and that cute boy up there: Kacy's Fiance).

There's so much that's about to change with my group of girlfriends. We've been pretty much inseparable for two years and in the next year we will all be living in different places, scattered throughout the world, yes... world. I am trying so hard to get in my time and really be there, talk to them, and just be aware of our friendship. I love our relationship so much, each of my girlfriends is such a different person, but somehow it makes us so much more compatible. We've all become great friends, we know each others moms, we travel together, have seen each other use the bathroom too many times, pick each other up when we've done something stupid/end up somewhere stupid, and eat off each others plates.

I vow this... to always love these girls, no matter how far away they are, because that's what you do... you love people through the shit, distance, and dumb choices, even when it's hard. That's what a relationship is, it's bullshit, and love.