Friday, May 31, 2013

The 5 Types of Single Ladies I've Been

Dress: Joe Fresh// Vest: Levi// Wedges: Seychelle

Over the past 2.5 years (9-20 mo's of that being a tad less than single) I've noticed I've gone through my single girl phases and they go a little something like this...

1.) Owning It -
Also known as the 'newly single and everyone should know it' phase. I thought I would own my singledom, be all "single" on social media, dinners alone, trips alone, not gonna date anyone, it's fun being single, yay! OWNING IT? Right? In the end I was just making a spectacle of my single life and not having much fun. I was bored. Oh, man... so bored. Life got much funner upon stage 2.

2.) Date Someone, But Never, Ever Commit - 
Hehehehehe. How much fun is it to be single, but dating, right? It's not awful. I was dating a man, he was lovin' on me and so very sweet, but neither of us wanted to commit to being 100% exclusive; so what did we do? Obviously just continue to see one another until we found other people. It worked out for both of us. Well... ok, he's married and I'm still single, but I still say It worked out for both of us. ;) 

3.) I Should Probably Be Alone - 
I had something good and that was it. I mean I'm going to for sure be alone forever. Should I settle? Should I adopt at least nine felines? If I eat all the ice cream then my feelings will go away, right?

4.) Snap Out Of It - 
Get a haircut, get your brows did for God Sake, and shave your legs, you're going out with your girlfriends and you're going to own your singledom, not by announcing it to the bar, but by flirting and mingling. It's healthy, stop eating those Cheeze-Itz. Here comes the creeps and the ridiculous laughs you won't forget.

5.) A Healthy Dating Life That Doesn't Take Over Your Soul - 
It's taken awhile but I do feel like I finally have a grasp of how to be single, or not really single, but kind of single, now. It's my life, I can eat Cheeze-It's, but I don't have to do-so alone, unless I damn well please! I also have me time and them time and sexy time and mingle time. Dates, dinners, movies, and fun trips. Getting involved and knowing when to let go, of even the best thing you've had in awhile.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Things You've Missed

Since everything has gone sour you've missed a lot of firsts, like the first time I put my toes in the Pacific Ocean. I never got to tell you how fun Los Angeles was or how it felt to fly for the first time. I didn't tell you about the butterflies I got when I had my first kiss after you, how different it felt, how I cried days after. I never explained how I saw you a year later in church sitting directly across from me, maybe I didn't have to explain, considering we locked eyes.

Then there was that time I had a boyfriend that reminded me of you. Oops.

I eventually stopped worrying about what I hadn't shared with you, like my first trip to NYC and when I skied for the first time ever. You shouldn't know how I felt after my first rollercoaster.

Years, boyfriends, and firsts have passed; time and friends were the main things that got me through. I now realize firsts got me through too; that first kiss, plane ride, even those ice capped mountains I skied down are all time.

And time is good.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Lists I Make In My Head

Tunic: Anthropologie// Skirt: Target// Wedges: Target

Things that are good:

1.) Jeans (that are not jeggings) fitting properly
2.) Kittens
3.) Having an iPhone on a plane
4.) Girlfriends
5.) Finding a perfect spot on a mans chest to lay
6.) Coffee, all kinds, all flavors, just gimme dat
7.) Trips
8.) Having a semi-secret swing in your downtown
9.) Late night drives that involve karaoke
10.) Lake days; lazy, lazy lake days
11.) Knowing you're no longer "entry-level" in your field
12.) The razors with the soap built in (!!!)
13.) People who abuse SnapChat as much as yourself
14.) Knowing you get a whole weekend with your fav girls
15.) Everything surrounding all of the above

Friday, May 17, 2013

The Thank You that Changed It All.

When your future is determined by a piece of paper or plastic it really gets [your heart racing and] you thinking. It's almost like you lose all train of thought and all the things that you felt and believed are for a moment gone. You're no longer liberal or conservative, pro or anti, you're stuck on a fence that might be your future.

As I write this post I wonder if it's appropriate to talk about, but all these thoughts are coming from the girl that once posted about her vagina. 

I can't talk about this stuff to many people and an internet full of blank faces could care less about my vagina, my clothes, or my random dates, but that's the beauty of having a place to write the ridiculous things you do, say, or feel.

Two months ago I donated my eggs to a couple that couldn't conceive children, I even made a VLog that was never posted because I was unsure how the world viewed someone that had given their eggs (their DNA) monetary value. The idea that I might have just helped a deserving couple have a child echoed in my head. I had taken hormones, given myself shots for weeks, and gone through surgery (undetected by many people in my life, family included) and for what? Money? After the surgery I had the check in my hand, but it still didn't feel as "worth it" as I thought it would feel. I was 7 lbs of water weight heavier and on pain medication that was making me a bit of a mess. I started to wonder when I'd feel more okay with what had just happened; to the outside world I was breaking the bank and all I had to do what flush out my system over the next two weeks, but inside it was a constant struggle to really feel what had happened and I did when I read the thank you card, a card the recipient did not have to send. I remember when it came in I knew exactly what it was (the clinic gave me a heads up it was on its way), it had been delivered to the wrong address, and I like to believe out of pure luck(miracle) and some need deep down in my heart, it got to my hands. I cried when I read that card; it was written in the waiting room of the fertility clinic I had sat in just weeks before, alone, and nervous that I was about to go through surgery. She had written it the day she was going to have my eggs transferred to her (I wish there was more eloquent language for this). She was in that same waiting room, maybe one of the same chairs I had sat in those 6 weeks I was going in for blood draws and ultrasounds, she was just as nervous as I was that day, if not more. 

I don't know if my recipient conceived... though my heart would burst with joy knowing she was having a child through what started as a way to pay off my car, my joy could be easily taken from me knowing the transfer ended in tears, the tears that can only come from a woman knowing she didn't conceive. 

Since that day I received the thank you letter my choice for my future with donating my eggs couldn't be easier. I wish I could thank that couple for their small contribution to my sanity, not the money, not the enlarged boobs that the hormones provided, but for that card... that card made every shot, every pill, and every early morning drive to the fertility clinic worth it. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

It Takes Two To Make An Accident.

Shirt and Cardigan: A&F// Skirt: Francescas

I saw Gatsby last night and I've decided to replace Gosling with Leo for now. He's just so damn charming! 

Monday, May 13, 2013

All The (Good) Kisses!

Remember the first kisses that you can't help, but remember?

My first kiss was my first boyfriend in 9th grade, it was on his parents couch, if I can think back that far? Needless to say it didn't win any awards or prep me for the future of first kisses - which have been pretty freaking great.

The first one I remember blowing my mind was my ex of four years. We had just watched, ok, slept through a movie on the couch. We had outlasted the gathering I had earlier and fell asleep watching some made-for-TV movie, when my head fell on his shoulder and roused us. I remember thinking up the perfect line to get him to stay, "so do you want to set your alarm here?" Right?? So smooth. We laid on top of the covers facing one another, eyes closed, after (what felt like) ten minutes of zero action I decided to really just try and go to sleep, I knew he was shy but dude, I'm literally laying in a bed with you. Then he did it. Sometimes I catch myself smiling as I think of this kiss, it's the one i'll never forget, it was so unexpected at that point, it just worked. So the sweet kiss continued.

I remember the kiss that came after, because I did it. I was in an elevator with a man I knew was a rebound. He liked me, he had told me many times and I (being the asshole I can be) just wanted to feel something, anything, really. So there, in that Best Western Hotel elevator I went right up to him; it was the first time I had kissed another man in over four years. I felt free and had no idea if I was doing a good job. It was the first kiss I'd ever initiated - and a confidence booster in the ~i'm a lady putting the moves on you~ department.

I was sitting on a bed with a guy I knew was bad, bad news. I had heard stories about him, he wasn't the cutest, but even to this day I stand by him being the smoothest. He had 100% swept me off my feet and it was our second week of "hanging out," and he'd yet to kiss me. We were going out to the bar with his friends and while we were sitting on that bed awaiting the night I was starting to wonder what was going on, I mean I'd heard of his reputation and he was quick to strike, so what am I? Am I that bad?! That night after the bar we walked home, there in the lawn as we walked to the door I stopped and said, "What is it?! Why haven't you kissed me?!?!" he walked over to me and said, "Because I really like you and I didn't want to mess it up" then walked to the door; I followed, baffled. When I had finally dragged myself to the door he grabbed me and pushed me against the door. It was the first, first kiss that made my knees buckle - one part because I was so ready for the kiss to happen, one part because the bad boy liked me?

Then came the kiss I'd waited on for seven years, the only man I allowed to kiss me in a bar. He was my best friend and there was never a good time. It was Thanksgiving break and he was home and for once we were both single. He sat right in front of me as our friends sang karaoke, I can't remember the topic, but I remember the hand on my chin and the sincere look I got right before he did it. It wasn't extravagant, sloppy, or anything you'd expect of a memorable first kiss; it was just perfect for us. Afterwards he sat back and said, "i've waited seven years to do that." I love that boy so much, and I'm so glad it finally happened.

The last one that really sticks out is the first real date kiss; a boy I hadn't seen in years was home for the holidays and we decided to plan a get together; something to get fancy for, give us a reason to wear sequins and tails. He asked me on a date, a real date, you know... the date where they say the word "date," which I normally would have giggled and gone on about how busy I was the rest of the weekend, yet the first thing out of my mouth was, "yes," surprising even myself. Our date was the night before he flew home, we laughed over pumpkin ale and bar food. I was walked to my car where without hesitation I was pulled into him and pretty surprised by the kiss I didn't think would happen.

Here, here to the ones that made the cut; I really hope the ones that didn't never find this blog.

Friday, May 10, 2013

The Doors That Make You Cry.

You know when you have a rough day and, honest to God, all you wish you had was someone to comfort you when you get home, a person to sit on your cold feet and kiss your kneecaps while you cry in your palms?

It's been a rough week. A week where you just miss. You miss your mom and dad being together, you miss the airplane seat you've found comfort in, the ex boyfriend who calmed you with a "hello," the sand.

I knew better than to dig too deep in my emails to find an old password for an old account, but I did it; curiosity is usually the reason for re-broken hearts, in my case. Digging through I found this:

"I love you and will never take for granted when you echo that sentiment back to me (even though I get a lot of "I know"'s). When I think about you, it is seldom accompanied with a smile. I love you, Amber, more than I think you know... don't ever forget it."

I am past that, I am past it, I won't cry. I haven't cried in many months, I haven't cried over this certain person in ~a year... but it happened just like this, only I sitting in front the guy I was dating and all his friends. Can I tell you how it feels to just start crying for no reason in front of a bunch of men, and one that you're suppose to be "dating"? Awful. You feel like an asshole and you know everyone will ask if you're okay when you stroll back downstairs with red eyes and a fake smile, and yes, you will most likely cry again.

The text above was sent two weeks before our relationship ended. I remember as my phone was dying, it was turning on and off, I couldn't control it... I forwarded that text to my email; I didn't want to forget it, because as a girl whose four year relationship had just ended, I knew we'd get back together, this was a hiccup and he was getting cold feet, right? ...right?

"The kids decided they want Amber to be apart of the family. They love her, we all love her so much. You did good."

This was the text his sister sent to him on our way home from Christmas, just three weeks before it all ended. They haunt me. They wreck me. It's so hard remembering a love that was only the best, it's so hard remembering a family that wasn't your own, but made you just that. I haven't talked to that family in months, that man in years, but when I piece all the puzzle back together, that i've wrecked in my head, I remember and mourn.

To say I'm past it is not a lie, but to say I've forgotten is. I haven't forgotten how in love I was, and the above is proof that I wasn't thinking it all up. Those four years were so, very good and there's not a single kiss or fight I would take back. I wish I could erase it, physically and emotionally, but I don't know how to make the whole puzzle go away, because leaving it all scattered in my body has been so easy lately.

I will say, I'm so happy. I know? Right? The crying and emotional turmoil I just went through seemed to make you think otherwise. I'm so incredibly... blessed by the people in my life. They are the biggest light ever and I can't think of a reason to not smile around them. I have to remember that in the times my face is soaking the pillow and my hands are cold under it.

I have to remember the undone things won't make anything different, they won't make me a better person and they won't mend a heart. I have to remind myself I'm doing great and I'm living the life I knew I should and doing it damn well, but in that door, the one you don't open, the one that you pass by because there's nothing in there worth opening it for... that door is the one that can crush me with only a peek. I wish I could make that door go away, or I wish it would just stay put and never bug me or tempt me ever again, but it will and I have to figure out the best way to handle it, so... maybe crying is okay for now.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Working Towards The...

Top: F21// Pants: H&M// Wedge: Seychelle

Outfit post, Outfit post, Outfit post, Outfit post, Outfit post, Outfit post, Outfit post, Outfit post, Outfit post...

It's Thursday and this means tomorrow is brewfest with my Chattanooga boy, a fort building sesh (complete with corndogs and milkshakes) during Saturday showers with the Est, and Sunday in the books. Sigh... after last weekends 5th of May celebrations i'm excited that my weekend will be lazy and rainy.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The List I Like To Be Long.

Things I am: 
Patient (for only so long)
The driver in my group of friends
The crier behind closed doors
The shortest
The one that can't make a decision on anything
The lover of girls with lots of tattoos, the girl with only one
The one that is still in search of the perfect tee
Too nice
Creeped out by men, easily
The kisser (cheeks, foreheads, lips)
A butt grabber
The one who likes to walk everywhere
Lover of all things furry
A self proclaimed non-local Nashvillian
Not good at phone interviews
Good at painting my nails (even the right) 
Blessed to be surrounded by people that truly love me
Still a bit broken hearted deep down
The one that over shares and trusts too easily
Proud of myself
Good at not breaking my phone
Bad at saying no to favors
The one that will buy you a coffee
a sale shopper
The one that buys thin shirts
The coffee addict
The lover of a good Christian song
The one that likes hotel beds
Believer of equality, supporter of Gay Marriage
The believer that our faith doesn't make us a good person
The one that picks boots over heels anyday
The maker of friends in any situation
Truly happy
A best friend to more than one
Easily annoyed before my coffee

Things I am not: 
Patient (after a week)
Able to stay out past 1am (and be excited about it)
Good at keeping a blog theme
Ace at refusing sweets
The best at wearing my glasses

Whether my "Things I Am" list is full of the good (furry lover) or bad (broken hearts are never that great), I always want it to be bigger, fuller, and broad(er). I want to be all the things, feel it all, laugh, cry, dance, sale shop forever. I want to notice it all, take it all in. I like that.

Monday, May 6, 2013

It's Bullshit... and Love.

Weekend in Nashville! I fell so hard Denver I had almost forgotten that/why I loved Nashville so much. It's so hard being in love with two cities, but Nashville has such a deep place in my heart, maybe it's because I have this group of girls who all vow we will be living there (together) in five years. Anyways, what a great weekend, despite the rain. We celebrated Kacy's Graduation and Cinco De Mayo all weekend... so it was 100% drinks, food, and getting a chance to hang out with my girlfriends (and that cute boy up there: Kacy's Fiance).

There's so much that's about to change with my group of girlfriends. We've been pretty much inseparable for two years and in the next year we will all be living in different places, scattered throughout the world, yes... world. I am trying so hard to get in my time and really be there, talk to them, and just be aware of our friendship. I love our relationship so much, each of my girlfriends is such a different person, but somehow it makes us so much more compatible. We've all become great friends, we know each others moms, we travel together, have seen each other use the bathroom too many times, pick each other up when we've done something stupid/end up somewhere stupid, and eat off each others plates.

I vow this... to always love these girls, no matter how far away they are, because that's what you do... you love people through the shit, distance, and dumb choices, even when it's hard. That's what a relationship is, it's bullshit, and love.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Ah Sweet Sheets.

Dress & Sunnies: H&M

You know those moments when you lay in your bed, on fresh sheets, with your whole life in order? I had that moment last night.

I was surrounded by order and had just made a cup of tea. There's something about having a cup of tea or coffee in a moment where all things are in order and there's nothing to worry about; It's the ultimate definition of serenity.

I find these moments a lot more since I started doing yoga. Yeah, I know, I know... seems so cliche and annoying, but I get it now. After years of "trying" yoga and hating it, I get it. I accept that the stretching is much more and I have really come to understand Shavasana.

I used to get so pissed at the end of Yoga class because I knew I couldn't just up and leave before the teacher told us to lay on our back and close our eyes. How am I suppose to do that?! I just did a really hard work out and moved in ways my body should not move, now you want me to lay for HOW MANY MINUTES? 5?! Relax my tongue? How does one even relax a tongue? One day, I finally relaxed my tongue. I get the peacefulness that comes with letting it go, swimming in a sea of thoughts, floating away from those thoughts, and breathing. Who knew breathing was so important?

So... I like yoga and laying in a bed of fresh sheets with a cup of hot tea. Who am I?! It's almost as great as buying a new dress... ah, there she is!

The Dreams You Remember.

Sweater: F21// Skirt: Target// Shoes: Anthropologie

Last night I had a ridiculous dream about a girl that haunted me when I was younger; she was the girl that was the threat to my relationship. I hadn't ever felt that before and all the sudden I wanted to be her, because she wasn't the boring girlfriend... she was the sexy temptress. I remember not feeling sexy enough for him, cool enough, or just enough. I went through this for about 6 months after my encounter with her our relationship inevitably ended. It was sad, freeing, and I vowed to never let another person make me feel like second to anyone; I think I've become really sensitive to that feeling and when I feel it I shut down. Sometimes I make an effort to not just feel it, but to give the person a chance to redeem themselves, but it's hard to just let go of a feeling that killed your insides for so long.

Hey. Where did my coffee go? Why is my mug empty? There's a coffee drinking gnome running around my office, I swear it.