Oktobre

 

How's life in Denver? It's busy, but I'm ready to get back to writing! It's working late most days and not knowing when to take a lunch. It's finding friendship in a roomie when you feel like you might not have anyone else. It's drinking too much and being happy a friend of a friend is enough of a friend to walk you home. It's missing home everyday and wondering how you're going to survive until Christmas without your family. It's missed Skype dates with your girlfriends because you're on a real ""date."" 

 

It's just everything. I can't say it's been easy, it's been tough, some days are really hard and all I want to do is go home to what I still think of as my real bed, back home. Most nights I wish I were putting on sandals and running to grab wings with my four best girlfriends back home. Things are so different and it's scarier now than it was a few months ago. But. Survival. Right!

 

I've had time to settle, to learn my way home without Google maps, to put up décor on my walls. I'm home and I still don't have enough hangers.

 

In other news I finally spoke to my ex boyfriend about what happened to us. It's different knowing I live far enough to end everything in my mind. It ended so long ago, but now the real settling feeling of not being there, right there, just in case. I'm tired of just in case, but it's so comforting. Things are a mile a minute in my head, I've over thought so much in the last year, and I'm so tired of thinking, wondering, wishing, waiting... is that Jack Johnson coming through my fingertips?

I'm happy though. I'm not whole, not by a billion, but I'm happy. I'm happy about the mountains, about the plane ticket to take me home for the holidays, about my roommate, and girlfriends, I'm happy that I finally asked questions, that I received answers, and I'm happy that my new bed feels nothing like my old bed. 

It's True.

You come to realize your first love is the definition of what you consider happiness. It's the reason you spent those impressionable years of your life in a committed relationship, faithful, and happy. Another person doesn't exist and this is as lovely as love will ever get. Your heart is whole and you are open to giving yourself to another person fully, because you haven't before and after these years of wondering if you will find someone, you do. It's beautiful, magical, it's Disney.

It ends.

You're different than people that have never been in love. They won't understand because their heart is still whole; they are ready because they can give it all, you are ready because you've been so used to loving that you cannot wait to love again, because... it's going to feel that way again, right?

I slowly, but surely fell again. It was piece by piece and never too hard. I remember thinking I could love again, and I was lying to myself-- I could love the same love, but could I love another love? Someone who has loved before me, someone who has loved differently than me? I remember thinking I could love again, I was sure of it. Why did it hurt to pretend? He's so nice, so good to me. I remember thinking I could love again, he's the opposite of the love I know, he's different, everything my other love was not.

I remember the day I knew I could love again. It was too many hiccups and a few mistakes later. I broke a few hearts and mine was still trying to find the last missing piece-- but there's a light.

I hurt people in my journey and I never meant to, bringing someone on a ride that they were never aware they were getting on. But, then again, who turns down love? Even when the timing is off, or two people just can't find their common ground, who turns it down? We're wired to love love. It's awesome.

On Topic: Luggage.

Emotional luggage. Baggage. All the above. Everyone has it, so why do we not talk about it? I can't tell you if it's better to talk about it, or keep the elephant in the room. Everyone knows it's there, so why does my heart sink when I think about the baggage of someone I'm seeing, casual, serious, FWB, etc.?

I remember when I found out a guy I was "seeing" (use this loosely - ok, fine..we were just (!) having ~relations) was seeing a girl on the side. I got so angry and like good girlfriends should do, they fueled the fire. I mean the smallest thing sent me into rage mode. Why was she in town, why did he ignore me, why did he text me later and pretend it never happened? She was his baggage and he wasn't willing to let her go, and my baggage was the emotional turmoil I was feeling at that very moment -- the anger of knowing it wasn't going in a place I didn't even want it to go? And yes... humans are confusing. 

My emotional baggage made everything worse in the beginning, but once I learned that baggage doesn't have to harm me, I found use for it-- because let's face it, we'll always have baggage. People who don't have baggage are weirdos. Okay, that's harsh, whatever. 

So I started using my baggage to better myself, because if I didn't use it to better myself then what would I use it for? First it just pissed me off [after the initial sadness, o'course]. Good start, right? Rage. Shortly after I went through spells of anger, sad, unsure, wtf am I doing, I'm obviously spiraling down to my ultimate demise...?

I know now that having baggage isn't bad, it's comforting to know you loved someone enough to allow it to affect you; it helped me learn a lot of things I needed in a potential relationship. I was so young when I gained this "baggage" and I felt its hold, I also felt it's release. When you finally stop allowing baggage to slow you down you can be your full self. I don't know that this is 100% true, but for me it was. I took all this from a relationship(s) that happened between the ages of 17 and 23, those are pretty defining years, if you ask me. I always compare it to losing my right leg and re-learning to walk, and that's overly dramatic comparison. But really! I had a lot of stuff to deal with and the last thing I was worried about was "bettering" myself. 

In the end I went through the motions of baggage and it was healthy to go through those; I also found my way out and I feel stronger, more certain, and just happier. Sometimes you can't recognize a toxic (ouch) thing until you've taken the time to step away for a while and realize sometimes you grow up loving a person and sometimes that person develops into someone you might not love today, in real time... that's okay, that's life. Unfair, right? Sometimes the most unfair moments in life are the ones you need. Well, at least I know my unfair moment was needed and I no longer feel the need to dwell on those "defining years" they're now there to help me. I like that. A lot.

Oh, Oh, Oh, It's MAGIC!

Shirt: La Mour?// Pants: Anthropologie

I don't have much to say about the ruling yesterday, DOMA is dead and I couldn't be happier. I do have something to say about the people who think this is going to be a bad thing. I'm terrible at wording political rants...

I feel like I am fairly good at seeing both sides to an argument, but I can never, will never, and don't want to ever understand the argument that is obviously hate. I don't care if you don't "hate" certain groups, I don't care if you "have gay friends," or "know this woman who likes women"; I don't care what you say to back up your reasoning for not wanting a group of people to have the same rights as you do (sound like a bad thing? because it is), you're wrong and I'm embarrassed by your opinions and your ability to feel you should be able to place a certain religious view on the whole country. I'm so happy to see love win, I'm so excited to see the future for this country with matters such as this. This is a growing opportunity and I hope it opens a lot of doors, minds, and hearts.

Best-
Amber

Let Go And...*

Whale Bow Shirt (!!!): Anthropologie// Skirt: Target// Orange Heels: Urban

When it comes to love I am a firm believer in letting things happen, but there are times where I can't take my own advice. I had a lengthy conversation recently about moments, moments you feel all the shit you love feeling and miss when you realize you're not having them.

After you've had your heartbroken these moments seem fewer and farther between, you almost feel like it's not worth it, that attachment merely equals a moment you realize it won't work out for all the reasons in the world. I'm not going to lie, when once I was a love-driven individual, I've kind started to feel like the old hag of love-driven things - like a sad country song. I keep notice the times I let go and love, they create moments, moments I remember, I look back on, moments I keep. Maybe that's the problem? A person keeping those moments after the heartache slaps them in the face.

I tend to hate that people get more concerned with being concerned in a relationship than looking forward to moments; people get caught up in so much of the world around them, the concerns of others leaking into their heads, they forget that their relationship should reflect them and personally, I want mine to be full of moments. Trust me- you'll always, always, always smile when you remember hide'n seek in a dark house lit by only candles, or being pushed on a secluded swing in the middle of a brisk winter night. I remember those and no matter what I always smile.

I have to remember those moments are worth it, worth waiting on, worth looking forward to, worth letting go... worth letting yourself open up to be hurt, if that comes along, because that's what love is, right? It's finding someone that could potentially break all your hearts, make moments, and maybe getting in a few arguments along the way (hey, I'm a realist).

So then we must end it with *...Love the shit out of whomever you want, through whatever you want, for as long as you want, whenever the hell you want.

When You're Surround By This.

Not everyone gets this lucky. 

My best friends. I'm all puffy-crying-faced (Lorna moved to NY today), but look at these ladies. Seriously... I'd be happy to have just ONE amazing friend, but I have four. I have four that I can cry to, four that I can tell my deepest, dumbest secrets, four that I can't ever replace. I've never loved four people this much. 

Knowing Lorna is gone is hard, but I'm so proud of her for moving off. Gonna miss her so much, it's hard to even put into words on here, or anywhere. 

Best Friends Don't Get Much More Best Than...

Lorna leaves for New York in five days. It's been unreal until this week and last night. Last night we sat down and started packing all her clothes (which turned into laughing, skyping her boyfriend, and taking cat pictures) and it hit me. Lorna is that person and she will continue to be. I can tell her anything and she knows she can do the same. I can't write much more, every time I think about it I end up crying, but I will say I'm going to miss her like crazy and I'm so excited to spend this Christmas with her (yes, we're already planning). Ok. Gotta stop, tears. Stop. I love you!

A Picture.

Mom and I! Love. Love. Love. 

The Things You've Missed

Since everything has gone sour you've missed a lot of firsts, like the first time I put my toes in the Pacific Ocean. I never got to tell you how fun Los Angeles was or how it felt to fly for the first time. I didn't tell you about the butterflies I got when I had my first kiss after you, how different it felt, how I cried days after. I never explained how I saw you a year later in church sitting directly across from me, maybe I didn't have to explain, considering we locked eyes.

Then there was that time I had a boyfriend that reminded me of you. Oops.

I eventually stopped worrying about what I hadn't shared with you, like my first trip to NYC and when I skied for the first time ever. You shouldn't know how I felt after my first rollercoaster.

Years, boyfriends, and firsts have passed; time and friends were the main things that got me through. I now realize firsts got me through too; that first kiss, plane ride, even those ice capped mountains I skied down are all time.

And time is good.

Why, Outfits

Cardigan: Target// Shirt: Gap// Skirt: F21// Shoes: Kork-ease (similar) 

The Thank You that Changed It All.

When your future is determined by a piece of paper or plastic it really gets [your heart racing and] you thinking. It's almost like you lose all train of thought and all the things that you felt and believed are for a moment gone. You're no longer liberal or conservative, pro or anti, you're stuck on a fence that might be your future.

As I write this post I wonder if it's appropriate to talk about, but all these thoughts are coming from the girl that once posted about her vagina. 

I can't talk about this stuff to many people and an internet full of blank faces could care less about my vagina, my clothes, or my random dates, but that's the beauty of having a place to write the ridiculous things you do, say, or feel.

Two months ago I donated my eggs to a couple that couldn't conceive children, I even made a VLog that was never posted because I was unsure how the world viewed someone that had given their eggs (their DNA) monetary value. The idea that I might have just helped a deserving couple have a child echoed in my head. I had taken hormones, given myself shots for weeks, and gone through surgery (undetected by many people in my life, family included) and for what? Money? After the surgery I had the check in my hand, but it still didn't feel as "worth it" as I thought it would feel. I was 7 lbs of water weight heavier and on pain medication that was making me a bit of a mess. I started to wonder when I'd feel more okay with what had just happened; to the outside world I was breaking the bank and all I had to do what flush out my system over the next two weeks, but inside it was a constant struggle to really feel what had happened and I did when I read the thank you card, a card the recipient did not have to send. I remember when it came in I knew exactly what it was (the clinic gave me a heads up it was on its way), it had been delivered to the wrong address, and I like to believe out of pure luck(miracle) and some need deep down in my heart, it got to my hands. I cried when I read that card; it was written in the waiting room of the fertility clinic I had sat in just weeks before, alone, and nervous that I was about to go through surgery. She had written it the day she was going to have my eggs transferred to her (I wish there was more eloquent language for this). She was in that same waiting room, maybe one of the same chairs I had sat in those 6 weeks I was going in for blood draws and ultrasounds, she was just as nervous as I was that day, if not more. 

I don't know if my recipient conceived... though my heart would burst with joy knowing she was having a child through what started as a way to pay off my car, my joy could be easily taken from me knowing the transfer ended in tears, the tears that can only come from a woman knowing she didn't conceive. 

Since that day I received the thank you letter my choice for my future with donating my eggs couldn't be easier. I wish I could thank that couple for their small contribution to my sanity, not the money, not the enlarged boobs that the hormones provided, but for that card... that card made every shot, every pill, and every early morning drive to the fertility clinic worth it. 

The Doors That Make You Cry.

You know when you have a rough day and, honest to God, all you wish you had was someone to comfort you when you get home, a person to sit on your cold feet and kiss your kneecaps while you cry in your palms?

It's been a rough week. A week where you just miss. You miss your mom and dad being together, you miss the airplane seat you've found comfort in, the ex boyfriend who calmed you with a "hello," the sand.

I knew better than to dig too deep in my emails to find an old password for an old account, but I did it; curiosity is usually the reason for re-broken hearts, in my case. Digging through I found this:

"I love you and will never take for granted when you echo that sentiment back to me (even though I get a lot of "I know"'s). When I think about you, it is seldom accompanied with a smile. I love you, Amber, more than I think you know... don't ever forget it."

I am past that, I am past it, I won't cry. I haven't cried in many months, I haven't cried over this certain person in ~a year... but it happened just like this, only I sitting in front the guy I was dating and all his friends. Can I tell you how it feels to just start crying for no reason in front of a bunch of men, and one that you're suppose to be "dating"? Awful. You feel like an asshole and you know everyone will ask if you're okay when you stroll back downstairs with red eyes and a fake smile, and yes, you will most likely cry again.

The text above was sent two weeks before our relationship ended. I remember as my phone was dying, it was turning on and off, I couldn't control it... I forwarded that text to my email; I didn't want to forget it, because as a girl whose four year relationship had just ended, I knew we'd get back together, this was a hiccup and he was getting cold feet, right? ...right?

"The kids decided they want Amber to be apart of the family. They love her, we all love her so much. You did good."

This was the text his sister sent to him on our way home from Christmas, just three weeks before it all ended. They haunt me. They wreck me. It's so hard remembering a love that was only the best, it's so hard remembering a family that wasn't your own, but made you just that. I haven't talked to that family in months, that man in years, but when I piece all the puzzle back together, that i've wrecked in my head, I remember and mourn.

To say I'm past it is not a lie, but to say I've forgotten is. I haven't forgotten how in love I was, and the above is proof that I wasn't thinking it all up. Those four years were so, very good and there's not a single kiss or fight I would take back. I wish I could erase it, physically and emotionally, but I don't know how to make the whole puzzle go away, because leaving it all scattered in my body has been so easy lately.

I will say, I'm so happy. I know? Right? The crying and emotional turmoil I just went through seemed to make you think otherwise. I'm so incredibly... blessed by the people in my life. They are the biggest light ever and I can't think of a reason to not smile around them. I have to remember that in the times my face is soaking the pillow and my hands are cold under it.

I have to remember the undone things won't make anything different, they won't make me a better person and they won't mend a heart. I have to remind myself I'm doing great and I'm living the life I knew I should and doing it damn well, but in that door, the one you don't open, the one that you pass by because there's nothing in there worth opening it for... that door is the one that can crush me with only a peek. I wish I could make that door go away, or I wish it would just stay put and never bug me or tempt me ever again, but it will and I have to figure out the best way to handle it, so... maybe crying is okay for now.

The List I Like To Be Long.

Things I am: 

Patient (for only so long)

The driver in my group of friends

The crier behind closed doors

The shortest

The one that can't make a decision on anything

The lover of girls with lots of tattoos, the girl with only one

The one that is still in search of the perfect tee

Too nice

Creeped out by men, easily

The kisser (cheeks, foreheads, lips)

A butt grabber
The one who likes to walk everywhere

Lover of all things furry

A self proclaimed non-local Nashvillian

Not good at phone interviews

Good at painting my nails (even the right) 

Blessed to be surrounded by people that truly love me

Still a bit broken hearted deep down

The one that over shares and trusts too easily

Proud of myself

Good at not breaking my phone

Open

Bad at saying no to favors

The one that will buy you a coffee

a sale shopper

The one that buys thin shirts

The coffee addict

The lover of a good Christian song

The one that likes hotel beds

Believer of equality, supporter of Gay Marriage

The believer that our faith doesn't make us a good person

The one that picks boots over heels anyday

The maker of friends in any situation

Truly happy
A best friend to more than one
Understanding
Easily annoyed before my coffee

Things I am not: 

Patient (after a week)

Able to stay out past 1am (and be excited about it)

Good at keeping a blog theme

Ace at refusing sweets
The best at wearing my glasses

Whether my "Things I Am" list is full of the good (furry lover) or bad (broken hearts are never that great), I always want it to be bigger, fuller, and broad(er). I want to be all the things, feel it all, laugh, cry, dance, sale shop forever. I want to notice it all, take it all in. I like that.

It's Bullshit... and Love.

Weekend in Nashville! I fell so hard Denver I had almost forgotten that/why I loved Nashville so much. It's so hard being in love with two cities, but Nashville has such a deep place in my heart, maybe it's because I have this group of girls who all vow we will be living there (together) in five years. Anyways, what a great weekend, despite the rain. We celebrated Kacy's Graduation and Cinco De Mayo all weekend... so it was 100% drinks, food, and getting a chance to hang out with my girlfriends (and that cute boy up there: Kacy's Fiance).

There's so much that's about to change with my group of girlfriends. We've been pretty much inseparable for two years and in the next year we will all be living in different places, scattered throughout the world, yes... world. I am trying so hard to get in my time and really be there, talk to them, and just be aware of our friendship. I love our relationship so much, each of my girlfriends is such a different person, but somehow it makes us so much more compatible. We've all become great friends, we know each others moms, we travel together, have seen each other use the bathroom too many times, pick each other up when we've done something stupid/end up somewhere stupid, and eat off each others plates.

I vow this... to always love these girls, no matter how far away they are, because that's what you do... you love people through the shit, distance, and dumb choices, even when it's hard. That's what a relationship is, it's bullshit, and love.

The Best You Ever Had.

Why do we fall in love and then believe that's the best we'll ever know?

It took me two years of soul searching to know the man that broke my heart could've been the one, but so could someone else. You can say it all day, everyday, twice a day and you won't always believe it. I still have a hard time knowing this statement after almost 2.5 years. Maybe it's my lack of belief in "soul-mates," maybe it's the feeling I feel when I meet someone that sparks my interest, maybe it's the fact that I've had strong feelings for others in the past year.

I remember the first time I really felt something for someone after my break up. It was 11 months after and I was sitting in Chattanooga, TN on the floor in a guy friends guest bedroom, listening to Allison by Elvis Costello; perfect, right? I stayed the whole weekend and the next, we we're laying in bed, hands under the pillows behind our heads... he held my hand. The third weekend he finally kissed me. Eight weekends, just the same, later he told me he couldn't do long distance and we didn't speak for a year. Let me tell you, getting your heart broken after a massive break up will do insane things to your emotions. Why? I remember driving home the weekend we broke it off and chanting "Your heart has been broken far worse, Amber! This is nothing, this is no-th-ing." It's so true though, I had been through so much more, my heart had been broken far worse previously, this still hurt.

That's the first time I thought, "so someone else can make me feel this bullshit?" Worst/best realization.

Then committed to a man for nine months. The emotions I felt were insane, I was crying because I couldn't secretly love my ex anymore, I was smiling because this man loved me, I was worried because I couldn't really love him back.

Everything that has happened in the two years since I vowed to never open my heart to another man again has brought me to the point where I know I loved a man the way I should love a man, 100%, no bullshit, literally running through the park in a rain storm (yes, it was just as whimsy and awesome as it sounds typed out) love. So I've loved a man like that, my first thought was "that will never happen again," the thoughts of a girl that's fallen since then are "that will never happen again." It won't. I won't ever dance in the rain or fill an empty apartment with candles and play hide and seek in the dark with someone.... I don't want to! I want new memories, new love, new happiness. I don't want more, I want worthy and the love that doesn't end, because I can dwell on those good memories and make them a reason to be sad, or I can put those memories in the part of my heart that I keep all the good things.

It's hard, but sometimes we have to except that a person we thought would be forever, might just be a memory. It takes a long damn time to accept that, trust me. I remember telling my ex I can't imagine he was put in my life to be a stepping stone, I was so wrong, he wasn't a stepping stone... that would be terrible; he was so much more! He broke my heart, but he also made me realize what loving someone fully felt like, and I am so thankful for that, because now I know that I will never accept less.... but I do have to remember I can except different. My life didn't end when my relationship ended, my heart didn't go away when he did, everything changed and I had to live and learn to accept the change and have faith.

Ugh, enough of this love talk, amiright?!

How to Forgive Someone for Breaking Your Heart. No, like, Really Forgive Them.

When someone breaks your heart there's tendency to make a conscience effort to forget them, but when we forget someone, does that leave room to forgive them? Not to just forgive them, but really forgive them and set yourself free of that anger?

This isn't a ~1, 2, 3, forgive and set free~ hopscotch to serenity. I has never really forgiven until about a year ago; who knew? I can't say I made a conscience effort, but I can say it took a long time, and when the day came and that moment revealed itself to me, it was so obvious. I was in church and we were discussing something so far from forgiveness, but when the music started playing and I started praying it was like a "bag of rocks hitting me in the face" moment. Why was my heart so hard? I had been holding onto the "forget" them that I forgot that my heart will not heal until I forgive them, not just kind of, not just a little, not even like mostly, I had to really, truly, fully forgive them. 

This moment didn't hurt, it didn't make me want to contact them, it didn't make me barf or feel incredibly happy; it calmed me. In this moment I felt able to become whole again, my heart wasn't un-broken, my thoughts were focused though and I knew with time my heart would heal more fully than it would without the forgiveness I was yearning for. 

a little personal

I wish...

I was more flexible
My hair had more texture
Love was as easy as it used to be for me
Fear wasn't as prominent as it is now
Stopping a bad habit was simple
Staying faithful was never an issue
Missing someone didn't take over your soul
Jobs were easy to come by and paid more
Travel wasn't expensive
My computer was faster
My boobs were bigger
Stomach flatter (whine whine whine)
Working out was as glamorous as the Pinterest photos make it look
That deciding life wasn't so stressful
Coffee came out perfect each time
Equality was as equal as people think

1:30 AM, Sunday morning. A friend of mine sent me a text that said “Amber, is it bad that I want to get married?” He'd been drinking, yes, but he's had a hard time with women lately and I thought i'd throw out some WOMAN KNOWLEDGE on him, as I did this I found myself surprised by what I was saying- this was a topic I hadn't really talked about.

My friend is a hopeless romantic. I know because I dated him a long time ago.

I like talking about love; real love, but... not really the hopeless romance kind, or the kind where you say you love the other person after three dates. I like the love that makes you insane for a minute, then you find yourself in such a bubble of happiness that you don't even have to smile for people to feel what you are feeling, it's just... you. I guess you could say I'm a realist, but in no ways am I not in love with love. I'm just in love with love that lasts, love that doesn't take your breath away to the point you have to say "I love you" immediately. I love the kind that slowly shows you you've been breathing wrong the whole time and now you finally know how.

Let's start with what I know about fun...

I remember when my focus shifted from making sure I was having fun in my relationship, you know the way Stevie Nicks says, “you make lovin' fun,” to ok, next step, bro. I need a ring, then a house, then a baby... “where is this headed?” “why are we still just doing the same thing?” Do not mistake this for allowing yourself to sacrifice things you want [ie marriage] because your partner doesn't want it yet/might never want it. No. I merely mean stop forcing things, stop doing things or feeling things because it's the Social Norm. I remember the moment I realized I didn't have to get married by 23 (sweet, southern upbringing, amiright?) it was revolutionary. I had time! I didn't have to settle, I was allowed to shop around, be selfish, go on terrible dates, and make a couple mistakes, bag a couple terrible men and get through a few more heartbreaks. I think at some point it's healthy to start looking at the “next step” (whatever that might be for you), but it shouldn't take your focus off what you're working towards, which is what you have, a loving partner... and I want that partner to love our life together. I want my love to be fun. Always. Even when it's hard, even when I'm pissed, at least I know I love said person and all the work that has been put into it, has been fun, it's been work, none the less, but always fun and just... happy.

Too much, too soon...

We've all fallen too hard, too fast... I have, I can be the worst. I also have this habit of keeping my mouth closed when I do it. I never throw out the L word unless I feel confident in it, and by that I mean I've literally kept myself up at night thinking about how awful [heh] it is that I want to tell another human I love them.

For me there's the love that happens suddenly and it takes over, suddenly the only fully functioning organ is your heart, and you consider proposing after a week. There's, also, the love that builds. It doesn't mean I don't feel that feeling when they show up at my door, or tell me they can't wait to see me... it means we're both working at making this a real thing. I guess I've never really felt like the first love ever works out... mostly because we set this unrealistic standard for our feelings during those insane and lovely moments we are planning how we will propose to said person. Lets face it that bomb-ass-tastic lovin' feeling we feel for that person won't always be so lovely, it won't always be so in-your-face, and that's the moment I wait for. I love the love that builds, I live for that feeling, I live for the moments you're in bed at 11:00 PM on a Friday night laying on their chest in the dark, eat hot wings together on the couch, or when you yell at them to get you a towel and they tease you by holding it just far enough to make you step out of the shower to get it. Those are the moments that stick out in my head, never the moments I thought I fell in love with said person and had to shout it from the rooftop on day four of hangin'.

Enjoy the moments...

Do you remember the first time you hung out with your partner? How you couldn't wait for that second time? Because all the sudden the hang out session you thought was just a casual thing, left you wanting more? I have a few examples of things that became more without my conscience thought process. Those are the best, the ones I remember. I remember dating a man that lived out of town, we met week one, and he barely text me the next week, but when he did it was funny and cute, just enough to make me wonder. Mid-week he announced he'd be getting a hotel in the city with all his friends again and I should “try and come hang out.” The excitement of wondering what he meant, my mind was restless. The next week he invited again, this time to his apartment. Then there was the moment he announced he was “interested” in me, then there was the moment he said “I miss you” for the first time, etc. Moments. They are so small, but have such an impact. Moments of laughing on a swing in the dark where it's so cold you can't really feel your butt. Moments of falling asleep on a couch only to wake up to someone carrying you to bed. Moments when he introduces you as his girlfriend and your confusion and excitement take over. These are the times I remember, the times I feel the most. Now, lets say someone skips all that, goes straight for the destination without all the fun and stupid pit stops. It's not always about the destination, sometimes we have to enjoy stopping at the Peanut Monument in Who Knows Where, Georgia just as much as finally getting to Orlando, Florida. Yes?

There's my typical Sunday morning ramble.

Thx 4 scrollin.

There are reasons you take photos off Facebook. I remember when boyfriends and I would break up and I'd delete their existence from my life; it was a healing mechanism, you know? like burning love letters or something. Soon, I'd get past it and realize I was left with The Lost Years. Not that Facebook is the only place photos can be stored, but in reality, I store a lot of memories on there, mostly because it doesn't bog down my computer.

There are reasons you keep them too; memories, you look great in said photos (ha), and the fact you want to remember that part of your life, because maybe, even though you hate to admit it, it wasn't so bad.

I was the -Keeper of the Ex Photos- during my last two break ups, they, however, were the deleters (let me tell you how mad I got about that one). I kept my ex boyfriends photos around because I knew one day i'd want to look back, i'd want to have memories of a love I enjoyed oh, so long ago. I keep these exes in a special place, because I'm no longer friends with them... no longer friends to the point... we don't speak. At all. This means these photos are all I have, the only memories, the only things that keep these people real, really.

I had this moment, scrolling through old photos on Facebook, where I hit the year! 2010. This was the last year of a specific ex-boyfriend, as I scrolled, I hit 2009, 2008... great years, full of hand holding photos and stupid faces, 2007, a stupid photo of both of us wearing the biggest shades available to man. I could go on. Memories. Good ones. Ugh, where was the photos of the time I cried, because... etc.

It's hard sometimes; never unbearable anymore. Don't get me wrong, my ex and I are over, we've been over for a couple of years now, I am past the hurt and past the crying. I don't mention him in conversations, nor do I think of him on Sundays when I'm laying in bed. I'm in a great place with my "Ex Recovery." Really- I have fully recovered... but, that doesn't make memories go away, it doesn't keep me from scrolling.

But see... then there's 2011, and 2012. That's another thing.... the good things. The times when you scroll and watch yourself make friends, meet people, love other people, and find a new place in life. I'm over my ex, I'm glad he exists, and I do wish the best for him; I also wish the best for myself, and THAT's what I do have control of; not him, not his happiness, or his well being... mine, and me? I'm happy, I am at a place where I can totally love someone again, be happy, get married(!?) one day and love that person as much as I loved the ex, plus more. I remember when saying I was "over" it was hard. I never wanted to say it out loud, actually. Then there was the moment I forgave him, then there was the moment I felt whole without anyone, then there was the moment laying next to a man that was not my ex and realizing "I could do this."

I don't know that looking before year 2011 will ever be a good idea, but I'm glad I didn't lose those years, I was happy, and... something that's even better? I'm happy now too.

All the best-
Amber

Welcome home, Eli.

You know that moment when you're just so overcome with pure joy and happiness for someone? It doesn't happen as much as you'd hope, but when it does... when you feel it... it's amazing and takes over your heart. I woke up at 3 am to this on my phone...

Last night one of my best friends had her baby; he's a 7.5 pound, 18 inch, healthy baby boy. I can't tell you how happy I am for her. She's going to be an amazing mother and I cannot wait to spoil this little turd. He has no idea how many people are in love with him.

Seriously, you guys I started CRYING when I opened my phone. I don't even know myself anymore. I'm a puddle. I do know, all the sudden (as in the last few weeks), I have reconsidered my "on the fence about children" thoughts... and then this guy happened and my heart... I don't know! But I can't steal this baby, she's one of my best friends, you guys... but he's so perfect, I want him.

If you hadn't guessed, this is why my heart is so overcome with joy and happiness today. I'm just so... happy and in love... I can't even think how his mom, Sarah, must feel.