You know when you have a rough day and, honest to God, all you wish you had was someone to comfort you when you get home, a person to sit on your cold feet and kiss your kneecaps while you cry in your palms?
It's been a rough week. A week where you just miss. You miss your mom and dad being together, you miss the airplane seat you've found comfort in, the ex boyfriend who calmed you with a "hello," the sand.
I knew better than to dig too deep in my emails to find an old password for an old account, but I did it; curiosity is usually the reason for re-broken hearts, in my case. Digging through I found this:
"I love you and will never take for granted when you echo that sentiment back to me (even though I get a lot of "I know"'s). When I think about you, it is seldom accompanied with a smile. I love you, Amber, more than I think you know... don't ever forget it."
I am past that, I am past it, I won't cry. I haven't cried in many months, I haven't cried over this certain person in ~a year... but it happened just like this, only I sitting in front the guy I was dating and all his friends. Can I tell you how it feels to just start crying for no reason in front of a bunch of men, and one that you're suppose to be "dating"? Awful. You feel like an asshole and you know everyone will ask if you're okay when you stroll back downstairs with red eyes and a fake smile, and yes, you will most likely cry again.
The text above was sent two weeks before our relationship ended. I remember as my phone was dying, it was turning on and off, I couldn't control it... I forwarded that text to my email; I didn't want to forget it, because as a girl whose four year relationship had just ended, I knew we'd get back together, this was a hiccup and he was getting cold feet, right? ...right?
"The kids decided they want Amber to be apart of the family. They love her, we all love her so much. You did good."
This was the text his sister sent to him on our way home from Christmas, just three weeks before it all ended. They haunt me. They wreck me. It's so hard remembering a love that was only the best, it's so hard remembering a family that wasn't your own, but made you just that. I haven't talked to that family in months, that man in years, but when I piece all the puzzle back together, that i've wrecked in my head, I remember and mourn.
To say I'm past it is not a lie, but to say I've forgotten is. I haven't forgotten how in love I was, and the above is proof that I wasn't thinking it all up. Those four years were so, very good and there's not a single kiss or fight I would take back. I wish I could erase it, physically and emotionally, but I don't know how to make the whole puzzle go away, because leaving it all scattered in my body has been so easy lately.
I will say, I'm so happy. I know? Right? The crying and emotional turmoil I just went through seemed to make you think otherwise. I'm so incredibly... blessed by the people in my life. They are the biggest light ever and I can't think of a reason to not smile around them. I have to remember that in the times my face is soaking the pillow and my hands are cold under it.
I have to remember the undone things won't make anything different, they won't make me a better person and they won't mend a heart. I have to remind myself I'm doing great and I'm living the life I knew I should and doing it damn well, but in that door, the one you don't open, the one that you pass by because there's nothing in there worth opening it for... that door is the one that can crush me with only a peek. I wish I could make that door go away, or I wish it would just stay put and never bug me or tempt me ever again, but it will and I have to figure out the best way to handle it, so... maybe crying is okay for now.