Sunday, April 28, 2013

The Best You Ever Had.

Why do we fall in love and then believe that's the best we'll ever know?

It took me two years of soul searching to know the man that broke my heart could've been the one, but so could someone else. You can say it all day, everyday, twice a day and you won't always believe it. I still have a hard time knowing this statement after almost 2.5 years. Maybe it's my lack of belief in "soul-mates," maybe it's the feeling I feel when I meet someone that sparks my interest, maybe it's the fact that I've had strong feelings for others in the past year.

I remember the first time I really felt something for someone after my break up. It was 11 months after and I was sitting in Chattanooga, TN on the floor in a guy friends guest bedroom, listening to Allison by Elvis Costello; perfect, right? I stayed the whole weekend and the next, we we're laying in bed, hands under the pillows behind our heads... he held my hand. The third weekend he finally kissed me. Eight weekends, just the same, later he told me he couldn't do long distance and we didn't speak for a year. Let me tell you, getting your heart broken after a massive break up will do insane things to your emotions. Why? I remember driving home the weekend we broke it off and chanting "Your heart has been broken far worse, Amber! This is nothing, this is no-th-ing." It's so true though, I had been through so much more, my heart had been broken far worse previously, this still hurt.

That's the first time I thought, "so someone else can make me feel this bullshit?" Worst/best realization.

Then committed to a man for nine months. The emotions I felt were insane, I was crying because I couldn't secretly love my ex anymore, I was smiling because this man loved me, I was worried because I couldn't really love him back.

Everything that has happened in the two years since I vowed to never open my heart to another man again has brought me to the point where I know I loved a man the way I should love a man, 100%, no bullshit, literally running through the park in a rain storm (yes, it was just as whimsy and awesome as it sounds typed out) love. So I've loved a man like that, my first thought was "that will never happen again," the thoughts of a girl that's fallen since then are "that will never happen again." It won't. I won't ever dance in the rain or fill an empty apartment with candles and play hide and seek in the dark with someone.... I don't want to! I want new memories, new love, new happiness. I don't want more, I want worthy and the love that doesn't end, because I can dwell on those good memories and make them a reason to be sad, or I can put those memories in the part of my heart that I keep all the good things.

It's hard, but sometimes we have to except that a person we thought would be forever, might just be a memory. It takes a long damn time to accept that, trust me. I remember telling my ex I can't imagine he was put in my life to be a stepping stone, I was so wrong, he wasn't a stepping stone... that would be terrible; he was so much more! He broke my heart, but he also made me realize what loving someone fully felt like, and I am so thankful for that, because now I know that I will never accept less.... but I do have to remember I can except different. My life didn't end when my relationship ended, my heart didn't go away when he did, everything changed and I had to live and learn to accept the change and have faith.

Ugh, enough of this love talk, amiright?!

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