Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Stomach Flips and Permanent Trips.

Dress: F21

Haven't done this in a while and I furrealtho need a haircut.

I can't eat, sleep (this is the oddest of all!), and I'm probably coming off as an asshole to many people because I can't get out of my own head long enough to comfort anyone saddened by my departure. I'm so excited about the move to Denver, but I'm just as nervous. I've never lived away from this city, the south, or my family. I'm also the biggest worrier I know. I worry about everything that hasn't happened. What if. What if. What if. Along with those what if comes my new job. It's a smaller college so the student load won't be as bad, but "what if" I really don't know as much about Higher Ed as I thought I did. What if I suck at being an actual advisor?! I have to get out of my head and know (and I do know) that is the best opportunity for me at this point in my life. This doesn't happen. People don't get a job in their field, doing what they like, right after college all the time, right? I need to embrace this fully... but it's okay to be really scared too, right?

My relationships. On top of the stress of knowing I'm skipping the south, I've had to make the decision to miss a lot of people. My friends and family... what a thing to miss. I will make friends, I have friends there.. so that's good!

My Nashville. I love my city, but I'm going to miss my city. The city that is good for just a cup of coffee, or a late night corndog, but it's also the place I'll always remember my friends. We spent so many weekends in Nashville, together, dancing, singing (ok that's just me), and discovering. I claim Nashville as my first city love, because... it was. I never loved a city like I love Nashville.

My home. My ...home has been shaken before, my parents got a divorce about a year and a half ago. Since that moment I realized my home doesn't feel like it did before, it's broken. I love my parents, but right now I need distance. I need space and my own place to really find out what my own life will be. I'm still scared of this particular change, i'm nervous about the moment I get homesick and all my friends are asleep. But deep, deep down in this really confused heart of mine... I know missing them will only help. It will only heal my relationship with them.

And then there's the sudden realization that as much as all of this matters, in the end I'm doing this for me. Which makes all the butterflies (pretty sure they are hummingbirds though), that are taking up all the space in my stomach, settle down, my lips curl up, and I realize this is exciting.

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