Saturday, April 20, 2013

Jersey Sheets and Expectations.

I found myself laying in bed with one of my friends, and I realized how little expectations I had for him. I didn't expect him to take me to a fancy dinner or to tell me how pretty I looked, and when he grazed my hand with his, it was like my hands were hypersensitive and alert. All the sudden I was wondering what to do with my hands, my ear hurt as I lay on his chest, and my legs were sweating, tangled around his, under his stupid-boy-jersey sheets; I was kind of freaking out. I haven't had a moment like this in a while. What was I doing? I mean nothing I can't do, I am well aware of myself and the things I do, the situations I put myself in, but I started to wonder if this is how the shit starts.. is this how I add expectations into the mix? This is how a fling started once... just ~casual, then it was intimate, then there were rules, then those rules were bent and we found ourselves on a date... a date I didn't want to be on and he was banking on, but I was because that's how it's done right? Expectations. I expected the date to happen, he expected it to go well.

I remember laying in bed with one of my exes and expecting his touch, his intimacy, each time it didn't happen it stung and it put me a little farther away, I felt unwanted, and straight up sad. Now, don't get me wrong, the expectations for my boyfriend of four years to want to touch me, have sex with me, kiss on me are expectations I'm allowed to have, but it was those exact expectations that led to my break down; laying in a bed, tears in my eyes, telling him that for the past year I haven't felt loved, wanted, or desired. Eventually [years later] we broke up, and the expectations I had for our wedding were soon faded memories in my soaked eyes that haunted me. Expectations of a wedding with the best dance floor, a life in Tennessee, and navy curtains covering wood blinds was all I had left.

So, as I lay in bed with my friend I realized how in the past I set expectations high, as I should... but all the sudden not having them made sense. I wasn't going to walk out disappointed with the night, I wasn't going to expect him to hold my hand, and I wasn't going to expect another woman to not walk into his life. I don't expect them, not because I don't want them, but I am tired of feeling that disappointment of not getting what I feel I should. And I deserve that, I know that and in no way believe I do not, but to expect it out of a stranger entering my ~love life~ is not exactly how I feel going about it.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I'm not even saying it's correct. I expect things, I won't stop expecting a man to do certain things, but I think learning to trust someone before expecting something of them is mandatory. Maybe trusting someone less until there's reason to trust them is key. I don't think this means I'm lowering a standard, if anything I'm raising my standards in a way, maybe just being more cautious, but when there's no expectation I think I feel better, less pressure, maybe? I don't feel the pressure to make sure my hair is perfectly tucked behind my ear, I'm not obsessing over my zit, or wearing uncomfortable shoes, because in the end I don't expect anything, other than a good night, a normal night. And in the end having a good night, date, chat is all that is expected. Hallelujah.

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