Sunday, December 16, 2012

mirrors and reflections.

Breaking a heart is never easy.

Sometimes we have to face our own realization that two people just are not meant to be together. When I talk about my relationships on here I usually cycle back to a very prominent one, my relationship of 4 years, to the man I felt would be my husband. At 23, that's a very possible thing, yanno... marriage and stuff? Then that ends and you know that everything just changed and the next person you decide to commit to should be someone worthy, not just someone worth a moment of your time.

There was a man after that break up.

When my last boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend, I was 24 (just a mere year after my most terrible break up) and I was fully prepared that this could be it, even after the first few dates we had. I committed my heart to this man, just as I had done with previous relationships. This was new, this was different, but I was never comfortable being my full self; that's not a good thing. I was happy though, this man was a great man, and someone whom I could love, I did love. To this day he holds a special place in my heart, but after a while I knew I could never satisfy this person, especially if I were to open up and be, what I considered, myself.

This "myself" was something I was new to as well, I had been single for less than a year... time is a real thing, it's needed. I was still trying to cope with a break up, a heart that was torn to a million pieces, and now I had to not cry over this broken heart, because I had a man that wanted that heart. The night this man told me he loved me, I didn't say it back.

During the next few months things were great, then it just... wasn't. Slowly that "myself" was coming out more and more, and the girl that man said "I love you" to in the parking lot of a take out restaurant was not the same. It was not his fault; I was getting tired of dumbing down myself for another person and I couldn't pretend anymore. I wasn't this person, I wasn't not this person, but I wasn't just this person he'd fell in love with. I was containing myself and it was killing me.

He broke up with me. I cried. It hurt.

This man and I continued to try and make a gray-area-relationship work (for months). We kissed and fought like we were dating, but there were those same issues and I was starting to stray. I felt my heart closing the door and I couldn't stop it, I tried so hard, because I did care about this person, I cared about his heart. All this and I still couldn't stop what was happening.

I remember the night I ended the relationship and how in that moment I had to face what was happening: I was breaking a heart. I knew there was no area after the grey, everything would be gone, and he and I could not maintain a relationship of any kind. I couldn't help think of the man that broke me when I was 23. This whole time I thought I was the only person going through pain, when here I was heart broken, but in the shoes of the person I resented for so long.

What can you do when you can't make yourself continue? When love just isn't enough anymore? I sympathize with anyone dealing with a broken heart or... breaking one. When I hear about a break up, a divorce, a lover that just can't anymore... it makes me remember what that empty feeling feels like, when all you can do is hope time kills the pain.

As I sit where I am, it's dark, it's quiet, raining, it's nearly two years after that terrible break up and I haven't had to break a heart in many months. Technically I'm alone, and days like today make me miss having someone to cling to, but it also makes me reflect on myself. You know? That myself I mentioned up there? I'm really happy I am it. Seems corny, but I love myself and I love that I can sit here, alone, in the dark, rainy weather, and be myself. I love that the people that surround me love that person too. I'm thankful for those people, and for the ones (even the heart breakers) that have helped me get to this place, in this coffee shop, right now, typing this blog post.

No comments:

Post a Comment